PERFECTLY NORM-iLL PEOPLE A collage solo Written by John Monteleone With Denise Welborn CONTACT: e-mail: writing@johnmonteleone.com PO Box 2723 Sag Harbor, NY 11963 IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING PRODUCTIONS STUDENT CLASS PROJECTS If this is for a student class project you may use this text or sections of it free of charge but I want to know that you're doing it for my resume and would love a video tape of the production, and/or quality rehearsals. PRODUCTIONS OF ANY KIND OR LEVEL You may read and use this text-based script for considering work but if you want to produce my work as a student, amateur or professional production you must purchase scripts from me online and pay royalties per performance. __________________________________ Copyright 1997 by John Monteleone All Rights Reserved Registered with WGAE CHARACTERS: STARGAZER - the narrator with 5 separate monologues throughout.. This character can also be performed as DIFFERENT homeless characters or be used as a unifying character. Introduction Blonde in a bottle Democratic Convention That’s Why Closing monologue JIM CASH - a ruthless collection agent with a dysfunctional family HOMER - a nuclear arms salesman STREETGUY - a street pimp seeking new runaways for porn. GENERAL - head military officer trying to desensitize a nation JOAN - a retired, ex-feminist seeking human liberation SET: The stage is basically barren, and will represent a park. Perhaps a backdrop, or hung canvas with a cartoonish painting on it of trees. It should not be realistic. There are two wood boxes that can be used for any type of seat slightly off stage center, and a garbage pail down stage left filled with garbage. Up Center Stage, there is a large Westinghouse Refrigerator box, beat up, with some graffiti written on it. Down stage right is a microphone stand and mic. Used for the guitar singer. The guitar sits next to it on a cheap guitar stand. The guitar case is downstage of the mic and has some loose change and dollar bills in it. NOTE: The character of the Guitar Singer will sing brief songs that set up the next section. These songs are written, some being re-written. The actor playing all the parts, also must play this part. If the actor cannot, then cut the guitar singer. STARGAZER LIGHTS RISE ON A LARGE BOX. IT BEGINS TO MOVE SLOWLY AROUND THE STAGE. THEN STOPS. IT ROCKS AND HEAVES, THEN A MAN’S HEAD POPS OUT OF THE TOP LIKE A CHICKLING OUT OF AN EGG. HE LOOKS AROUND, HIS HAIR DISHEVELED, FACE TWISTED. HE RISES AND LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE. HIS LEG HURTS HIM AS HE TRIES TO STAND. WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A REFRIGERATOR? THE LAST TIME I LOOKED I WASN’T A REFRIGERATOR? Hell, I feel cold as one, that’s for Godamned sure. I feel like I’m in the Godamned ice maker. Where the hell am I this time? CRAWLS HALF WAY OUT WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. LOOKS AT THE BOX. READS IT. General Electric. Last night I was a Westinghouse. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? There’s hope. No doubt about that. Hell, I could be a Maytag and never need repair! HE LOOKS AT SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE. What are ya lookin’ at? You? Got a quarter? I bet you do? Got a Mercedes? That’s refreshing. If I had a Mercedes, I’d give you a quarter. If I had a quarter, I wouldn’t give you a Mercedes, that’s for Godamned sure. I don’t got either. Well wait a minute. CHECKS HIS POCKETS. FINDS A QUARTER. What do ya know. I’ve got a bank account after all. Hey, I’m a legitimate citizen--think they’ll want me to vote? Ya noticed that I’m just pourin’ over with wealth, did ya? Very observant of ya. Very nice of ya to come. I’m thrilled, really, to have you watch me wake up like this. CHECKS HIMSELF. Let’s see now... I feel a bit embarrassed so my dignity’s still in tact. Sense of doom? Yep right here. An’ what’s this... A boner? Well, nice ta know my virility hasn’t quit on me entirely. But ya want to know what’s sad... I wish this boner really was a roll of quarters--I could use TEN BUCKS right now--to hell with gettin' laid. I know, I’m not bein’ very polite. That what you want? A polite homeless guy. Nice homeless guy. Obedient homeless guy. My niceness left me when I woke up in that box this mornin’. I had an identity crisis. I thought I was a refrigerator. The metamorphosis? Remember that one. Kafka? Guy turns into a cock roach. Nice thought. Modern literature’s full of hope, huh? Well, that’s me, only I was a refrigerator. What the hell’s the difference. (SINGS) You say cockroach, I say refrigerator. You say Cockroach, I say refrigerator. Cockroach, Refrigerator. Cockroach Refrigerator, What the hell’s this guy talkin’ about? (SPEAKING) I jus’ got up. I’m groggy as Los Angeles is Smoggy, and I don’t have to make sense. Do you make sense when you wake up? What do you say? Did the automatic coffee maker go on, honey? Oh no, not again... Thomas, you didn’t set the automatic coffee maker and now I have to make the coffee manually, AGAIN! When was the last time you woke up thinkin’ you were a home for some Godamned chicken egg? Hell, when was the last time you woke up with one leg? Shit, this leg hurts me. I went to the place over there, the... hospital I thnk they call it. They said, "what’s the matter?" Now, I walked in like this, see. (LIMPING) Jus’ like this. Limping like a wheel missing one side, and I said, "my arm hurts you stupid little college-graduate twit." They said, "what about your leg." I said, "oh that? I can’t feel most of it--THAT’S ALL." They said, "then maybe you got somethin’ wrong with your leg." I was overwhelmed with their diagnostic capabilities, especially at the front desk. I said, "my leg hurts and it’s numb, and it cracks, and it don’t feel good any which way you look at it." And they said, "okay, fine." "No." I said, "it’s not fine. It’s numb and it..." And they said, "why don’t you calm yourself and sit down over there and wait and we’ll take a look at you." I said, "Fine." They said, "fine." So, she’s saying "fine" and so am I, but it wasn’t fine. Nothin’ about it was fine. I wasn’t fine, and she wasn’t fine. She was just nervous and didn’t like the way I smelled--and I don’t piss in my pants. I piss in other peoples pants. (WINKS) Jus’ kiddin’. So I’m waiting for a hour. And she comes over to me and tells me she’s sorry but she forgot to have me fill out her insurance forms. I said, "Fine." And she said "Fine", and she handed me the forms. I looked at the forms and then up at her and said. "Miss. I don’t have insurance.” So she said, "fine." And went back to her desk and then came back with the security guard and they asked me to leave. I said "fine" and he said "fine", Billy club in hand, and I limped right out of that hospital with my crackin’ creakin’ numb, and twisted leg--half cause it’s infected, half cause Westinghouse don’t have the courtesy to put a mattress in it’s boxes! I thought, okay, I need insurance. So, bein’ a bit groggy, I went to the good hands people. That’s what the sign said. I needed good legs people, but it was closer than state farm people. The last thing I needed was a farm. So up I went, three flights--the elevator was broke. I entered and everyone got real quiet. They do that a lot when you look like me. And I said... “My legs fucked up and I need insurance to get it fixed.” I didn’t think it was possible for a dead quiet room to get even quieter, but it did. The man behind the desk, with the tie, and the glasses, and the neat, well groomed hair cut said... "Let me understand. Your leg is medically problematic and you need one of our insurance products to repair the problem?" And I said, "no, my leg’s fucked up and I need insurance to get it fixed." And he said "OH... so there’s a pre-condition?" I said, "no, there’s no PRE CONDITION, THERES A CONDITION! Nothin’ PRE about it." And he said, "no sir, you don’t understand. Perhaps I’m not communicating properly... Your leg is currently hurting you and you want to purchase one of our insurance products so that you may then obtain medical reparation?" I said... "Okay." And he chuckled like he was nervous. Like this... (giggles) No, more like this... (giggles differently) Yeah, that’s it. A sickening little chuckle. And then he said, “but we have a little problem”... "What’s that", I asked... "Well sir, you can’t buy insurance for a condition that already exists." And I said, "but my leg hurts me." And he said, "that’s all well and good"... and I stopped him RIGHT THERE--I knew where he was goin'--must be seeing that nurse back at the hospital--and I said, "it’s not well and good, its sick and bad and I need to get it fixed and the hospital said I need insurance to do that and that’s why I climbed three flights with one leg workin’ and one leg in protest and why I’m godamned here." And he said, "no need to take the lord’s name in vain sir", and I said, "FUCK YOU" and he said... "you can’t buy insurance for a medical problem that already exists?" I said, "what should I do, buy insurance for a medical problem that don’t exist?" And he said, "Nooooooo", and I said, "should I buy insurance from his hine-ass and then get a problem?" And he said, "Nooooo, then your insurance would go up." And I said, "what kind of sense does that make?" He said... "not cents... big money".... And chuckled again... "Fuck you", I said. He said again, "you can’t buy insurance with a pre-condition. That’s all there is too it. It’s not my policy, it’s the companies policy, it’s them, the ones no one can ever see who make up these stupid, self-serving, neo-fascist rules"... Well, I put in the stupid, self-serving line there... Anyway, I said, "it’s not a pre-condition, it’s a condition. I had a pre- condition before the condition and that was that I didn’t have a condition, or the necessity to have to deal with an idiot like you and the only real pre-conditon to my pre- condition was that I was born human and now have become a refrigerator." The room got even quieter. They all looked at me with this long stare. I said it was an inside joke. Like inside a box, joke... But the robot, I mean the man, there, he said he was sorry and couldn’t help me because he needed a new Land Rover or someshit, his wife was leaving him and he had alimony for his kid or somethin’, and Christmas was around the corner, it was his fathers seventieth or eightieth, and he wasn’t in business to save the world... And I said, "then who is gonna save it?" Besides, I don’t know what all those excuses had to do with my condition, pre- condition, whatever-the-fuck condition ya wanted to call it that couldn’t get repaired unless it didn’t exist. He said, "I had to leave." And I said, "I didn’t have to leave" And he said, "that I did in fact have to leave, because he had to sell more polices to people who didn’t have anything wrong with them". Healthy, pre-condition, policy holders. And he lifted his phone off the hook and I slammed it down and said... "Now you have a pre-condition, and that is your nose and face is still in tact but if you don't give me insurance your nose is gonna be swollen." He got firm and said, "sir, I’ve been as polite as I possibly can and I want you to leave now. I cannot help you. You have a nerve and I have a life." So ya know what I did... I’ll tell ya what I did... I punched him square in his big fat ugly-as-sin nose and everyone screamed and then I told him "that in addition to having a life, he now had a swollen nose and that finally we had somethin’ in common, we’re brothers because we both have a condition needin’ repair called pain". He called me "crazy" and I said he was right and I clumped down the stairs and strait into the awaiting police officers laps and went to jail. They fixed my leg, gave me a hot meal, let me get cleaned up and I slept on a mattress for the first time in two years. So, I learned somethin’ new about bein’ homeless in America... If ya need to live like a decent human being, just punch someone in the nose and they’ll take good care of ya in prison! BLACKOUT. JIM CASH SPEAKING ON A PHONE. Helloooo, Mr. Smith? Jim Cash over at Things and Things, Inc. Ha ha ha... How's everything? Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God ... When did it happen? Critical condition? Coma? Your wife? Oh my God... How's your ... daughter holding up? She what? In the garage? Oh my God. Did she leave a note? Not even a note? Could you hold just a moment I have another call I'll be a second? Okay don't go away I want to help you. SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE. Hello, Things 'n' Thi... ELAINE I'M AT WOR...he what? Does the insurance cover it? Well look it up. How'd he get it stuck there for Chrissakes? Take him to the emergency room. You're there? I can' come I'm in the middle of a call. I don't care if he's embarrassed Elaine... He can't go around with a pencil stuck in his penis what'll the neighbors think? JUST GET HIM THERE FOR CHRISSS....I'm not yelling at you. I'm calm. I wasn’t yelling at ... Look he's going through pubet...er...ization... and he's toyin' around with his dick... tell him we all go through it. It's normal sort of. I can hear him screaming and I can sympathize. No you can't Elaine the last time I looked... And that was a verrrrrry long time ago.... If ya know what I mean... IT WAS A JOKE. A JOKE... I’m not yelling. I’m calm. Hear how calm I am? I said I’m ca... I CAN'T TAKE HIM I'M ON THE LINE HERE. I'M NOT YELL...ing. (very softly) I'm not yelling. You can hear how quiet I'm speaking to you. I am not yelling. I was but I'm not. ELAinnnnne... I can hear my voice, Elaine... and I'm whispering. I'm not YELLING I SAID GODAM... (catches himself) Okay I love you too. Okay I love you too. Okay I love you too. Bye. Bye. BYE ELAINE. Then call me from the hospital when it’s out... I'll be here... SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE. Smith? So how are you holding up? Still working? No? Compensation? No? What happened there? Oh my God... What are you living on? Unemployment? Well, we know that's not enough. Parents? Dead. Brothers, sisters helping you? Only child. Of course, friends? No? Oh my God... So... How's everything else? I mean, well, you know, how's... the dog? Oh. I thought you had a dog. I'm calling because of the furniture you bought? And the Appliances? and all those other things... well we haven't received a payment in ... three months now and we were wondering when you planned on sending us a little something. Ha ha ha ha ha... what do you mean you can't? Ha ha ha... Um, let's not ... now don't... Mr. Smith, I didn't mean to upset you... I'm sorry but it's my job and as they say the Eagle must shit on Friday. Well, it's Friday. Three months of Fridays Mr. Smith. Ha ha. The Eagle feels just a little bit constipated. Let's just take a look at this and let me see if I can help you out... Let's say, for example, let's just say that you took a wee bit of that unemployment check and sent us just a wittle bit of it. What do you mean you can't there's that ugly little word again can't. Let's remember not to use that word ... CAN'T ... O.K.? If you wanted to you COULD. Do you agree that THEORETICALLY that you could? Well then, let me hear you say... "I could". For arguments sake, let's just pretend that you COULD. Pretend Mr. Smith, no one's asking you to actually promise anything yet. Just once. Let me hear you say it just one wittle twime. Remember how easy it was when we were little, Mr. Smith? You do? Oh good. That a simpler, more promising, happy part of our lives, remember? That's it... now let's pretend that you could send us a little something... O.K.? O.K. Good. Let me hear you say "I COULD SEND YOU A WITTLE BWIT OF MY UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK". Come on... Come on.... Come on now... just once. Say it just one gweat bwig twime for me Mr... YES YES YES YES YESSSS!!!. SEE THAT. YOU SAID IT. YOU SAID YOU COULD SEND ME A LITTLE CHUNK, OF YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK. Wasn't that easy? I know it was. O.K. then, do you have the address where you can send the check? But you just said you could. I am here aren't I? Come on Mr. Smith we're not going backwards are we? We're into it's impossible? You don't have enough money to pay the mortgage and eat. SO SELL THE GODAMN HOUSE FOR CHRIS... Um... Mr. Smith, can I be blunt? You can take it, don't say you're too fragile you're a man you can take it. May I be semi-blunt. Okay scratch blunt. Would it be all right if I were... pointed? Just once. O.K., O.K., all right... how about ... candid? Honest? Legal? I got another call Smith hold on. SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE. Hello Thing's 'N' ... they got it out? Good. How's he feeling? What? How'd he do that? A gerbil up his ass? This one of your sick jokes. It is so, you're tryin' to get back at me for last Christmas. I was working Ela... I was WORKING... Okay.. I’m not yelling... He reallllly has a gerbal ... SO GET THE DAMN THING OUT! Does the insurance cover it? Yeah, sure I'll have a talk with him tonight before I have him COMMITTED! What the hell’s going on with my family, Elaine... Suzy’s got more rings in her than my fuckin’ phone... and her hair’s blue... No Elaine, it's from your side of the family not mine, not mine, yours Elaine... I have a job, I wear a suit, I'm a grown up Elaine, a grown up--you know what that is--people who don't put Gerbils ... Don’t give me that.... Don’t give me that... No no no no no--Your fathers a nutcase your mother's a lunatic. They are so are so are SO THEY ARE FUCKING SO--Your father stands around all day reading expiration dates off the cans in the cubbord he that he bought with coupons ten years ago, your mother thinks she's Lauren Bacall and she looks like Jackie Gleason in drag and you call that normal. IT WAS A JOKE. A JOKE. See, you're a lunatic too, you cry at Jokes... So what the Psychiatrist says he's sexually frustrated! I'm Sexually frustrated we haven't had sex in five years--WE’RE MARRIED ELANE... MARRIED PEOPLE DON’T HAVE SEX AFTER THE FIRST... That’s not the point--I don't put porcupines up my ass and pomegranates in my ears I watch the Playboy channel and masturbate like everybody else tell the shrink to fuck himself he's lookin' for a new patient like it's hard to find... Give him your parents number, handcuff the kid to his bedpost, give him a box of Kleenex and a garbage pail and leave his right hand free. Then his left if he's left handed. NO... He can’t watch the playboy channel he’s only seventeen. Where the hell is your sense of ethics, Elaine... I’m gonna shit in my pants right here--my wife wants my kid to watch playboy and masturbate? NO... it’s for grown ups. I’m not yelling.. I wasn’t yelling... I wasn’t yell... PAUSE Okay I love you too. Okay I love you too. Okay I love you too. Bye. Bye. BYE ELAINE. I gotta go I'm on a call Let me know... I gotta go I’m on a call let me know... I gotta go I’m on a call let me know... Okay.. bye bye... And Elaine, when you get home--get rid of the Hamster... SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE. Mr. Smith... I don't think we're communicating very well Mr. Smith. Let's take a glimpse at the whole picture, okay? I know that but you're not the only one in the whole picture. There are a lot of other people involved in your decision not to pay the small bill. Who? Me. My kids. My employees. Their families. The Bank. Your creditors. TRW Trans Union. The government, the Congress, the President of the United States of America. Everyone's involved here not just you... Listen Smith, I come to work, as do all those who work for me who manufacture all the things you bought on credit. WE come to work hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, quarter after quarter, year after year... our whole lives Mr. Smith. And do you know why we come to work day after day .... To make MON ... EY. MON...EY Mr. Smith. WE come here and work eight, ten, twelve hours every single day making products most of us could care less about. We spend most of our adult lives involved in activities, conversations, meetings, that turn our stomachs. the stress, the pressure, we endure Mr. Smith so that people like you can enjoy those products. We do it because we have to. to pay our bills.... We do it for the Money Mr. Smith. Money money money money money. And do you know what happens when people don't pay their bills? Bingo, yes you win, we don't make money. Our families don't get paid. The world, because of you, is in dept. Now we all have times in our lives when things don't work out as we planned. Coma isn't new. Nor is dept. Nor are teen suicides, nor are nervous breakdowns, but what are we supposed to do--give up on life because a few mishaps occurred. No Mr. Smith. We go on. It's a tradition... We pay our bills. So, can we make some kind of practical, quick arrangement? O.K., so you can't possibly make a partial payment can you pay the whole thing? I don't understand. Pay the damn thing off and get the monkey off your back. Can you pay half this week and half next week? How about one quarter this week and one quarter for the next three weeks. One eighth now, one quarter in two weeks and the balance three weeks after that? One tenth Mr. Smith, one tenth next week one tenth the week after that and I'll call you when it's time to resume payments? NO?! A HA HA HA HA HA HA... It's a joke right you got a sense a humor? I have to put you on hold for just a second, don't hang up or I'll just keep calling you back or show up at your house with the FBI and the IRS, all right? Just a joke Smith sit tight no pun intended. SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE. Hello, Things 'n' Th.... They got it out? Good. Tell him something for me will you. Lean over him and in his ear, say... YOU'RE A FUCKING PERVERT! See you're doing it again. It was a joke a joke, you gotta have a sense of humor about these things Elaine life sucks... Okay, okay forget about it what's for dinner? I don't want that we had that last night. I don't want left overs. I DON’T WANT LEFT... I’m not yelling... look make anything I gotta go... SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE. Mr. Smith I'm back. I was thinking that perhaps I'm going just a little too fast for you, hmm? Let me slow it down. Follow me for second here? Tell me if I understand the situation, O.K.? Your wife's in a coma, kid's outta the picture. You're out of work on unemployment. No family, no friends, mortgages due hospital bills beyond belief, and you bought over your head on credit You're distraught, can't sleep, in a deep depression, perhaps having psychotic visions, can't pay for psychotherapy, and you're frightened, disoriented, perhaps even suicidal. Okay. Okay. SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? Not uncommon Mr. Smith. Not uncommon. You think I have it easy? Huh? No one has it easy. We're all in the same condition... And everything else aside, are you aware of what happens if we don't get a payment. I send this to our ... and believe me I don't want to do this... I send this account to our ... as a last resort Mr. Smith as a final, there's no other way out we gotta screw ya--last resort... we send it to our L.E.G.A.L. department, I dread it, I dread what they'll do to you, I don't want to do it please don't make me do it Mr. Smith. If that happens and you think you have problems now wait until that machines grinding wheels start ripping up your groin! It's a horny dragon and you're a young virgin--is that a decent analogy? Mr. Smith. It was a joke Smith stop that CRYING... I know, I know and believe me I sympathize with you Mr. Smith. That's why I'm trying to find a simple solution for you that won't keep perpetuating the aggression. If there were anything I could do personally, well, believe me... ha ha ha ... Well there just are no safety nets. It's not in the system. So, instead, we have to find the strength Mr. Smith, somewhere deep in our guts to go on--life goes on with or without you, the national anthem goes on... The Anthem Smith... Sing it with me come on now it'll cheer you up... (sings) OHHHHH, SAY CAN YOU SEE... (speaks) You're not singing Smith... Okay skip the anthem, when can I expect the check? What word did I just hear? What word did I just hear? In theory, pretend you can send it. Visualize it. Are your eyes closed? All right then close them. See yourself at the desk. Okay then the table. There's a nice hot cup of coffee, the smell of hope is in the air, and you can hear your old family in their happiest moment in the background... that's it, let out the laughter it's nerves. Relax. Deeper. Are you feeling more relaxed? Oh good. Deeper Mr. Smith, Deeper and deeper and deeper down, down, down, deeper and deeper. Keep saying to yourself deeeeeeperrrrrrr... I've got a call I'll be right back... SWITCHES PHONE LINES. Hello Things 'n' Things. No we're not paying him tell him to go fuck himself. Then use whatever word you want to use... NO... he sent us garbage, we sent it back tell him tell him to go and Die... No, Sue, this is what you do: You ask him if he's got a pencil... And a gerbil... hole on I GOT A CALL... SWITCHES PHONE LINES. Are you Deeper Mr. Smith? Oh good. By your hand on the table is a check book. Your favorite check book. And a pen, your favorite pen. See all the pretty checks. Gooooood. Now pretend that there is a lot of money in your pretty checkbook account with all the pretty checks. And you pick up your check book... And you pick up your pen... And you're SNORING?! SMITH HOW CAN A GUY WITH YOUR PROBLEMS FALL ASLEEP? SMITH! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CONSCIENCE? PAUSE. HE LOOKS OUT. A gerbal up his ass? BLACK OUT. STARGAZER Blonde In A Bottle DIRECTLY TO THE AUDIENCE. Can't trust what ya see. Can't trust what's right in front of ya eyes. Nowhere. Not around here... Ya look at a smile, underneath’s a frown He says he's fine He means he's miserable She says she loves ya She means she wants the life insurance policy He shakes your hand it means he wants to take you for everything ya got She says let's play bridge She means I gotta get away from the jerk for a coupla hours And here he comes another dreamboat made in a gym Mr. Muscles Got muscles over here, over there, places muscles shouldn't be but he's got 'em Even in his head and he says... (Mocking) "blonde" "I fucked da blonde” smilin' ear to ear "Fucked da blonde" The blond... Everywhere ya look there's blonde or just that blonde attitude that "I'm blonde" way but ya know what I think I'm think blonde don't really exist not in nature anyways never did It's all in a bottle Blonde in a bottle Blonde blue eyes blonde hair blue eyes blue eyes blonde hair in a bottle Blonde that's the ticket to fame that's what'll make ya happy they tell ya then you'll be loved buy yourself some dignity buy yourself some respectability buy yourself some sense of identity buy yourself a ticket to the bridge party and Sardi's Buy yourself some love some Godamned love in a bottle love in a bottle Or in a beauty parlor no doubt about it yours for the taking just become blonde blondeeeeeeeee blondddddddddddddddddeeeee but there's a trick to it tricks in the bottle of hope ya know what it is? I'll give ya a hint it's what's underneath the blondddddddddddddeeeeee What's under the yellow hair know what it is? I'll tell ya BROWN brown that's what that's what's underneath the blonnnnnnnndeeeeeee brown or BLACK black that's what that's what's underneath the blonnnnnnnndeeeeeee or GRAY gray that's what that's what's underneath the blonnnnnnnndeeeeeee But ya know what's not underneath the blonnnnnndddddeee BLONNNNNNNDEEEEEEEEEE BLONDE’S not underneath the blonnnnnndddeeeeee All that and there's no fuckin' BLONDE ANYWHERE TO BE FOUND yellow's not yellow it's brown or black or gray so it's really brown/black/gray blondeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT A PAINT JOB So what are ya really lookin' at that's what I want to know That's the hundred dollar question Ya see a woman that looks like somethin' God could only create and it's not God that's created her It's Maybeline Maybelineeeeeeeeeeeeeee'sssss create her Revlon'sssssssssssssss the master-painter Vidal Sasooooooooooooooonnnnn the new savior Magazine Covers the alter of man's consciousness Fifth Avenue leads us to the Pearly Gates Madison Avenues created 'em But who are they? See, that's the tricky part, right there Computer graphics take the pimples and makem disappear reshape the face make the skin look like silk eyes that jump out at ya Retouched covers painted cover-girls And everyone wants to either be that or have that or both They want the make up the blonde the blue contacts liposuction eyelid lift face lift nose job tummy tuck But what happens when ya fall in love with all dat Dat's what I want to know What are you in love with? What is your love, then Worse... what if it's you? What's if it's not her it's you... and you only love you when you don't look like... you when you look like someone else you never were or could be Who's there? under all that? So there he is... Dream's come true (sings with "RING AROUND THE ROSY") Mr. Muscles fuckin' da blonde fuckin' da blonde fuckin' da blonde Mr. Muscles fuckin' the blonde so he's happy 'cause he's validated (speaks) But ya chasin' the dream See that's the trick Ya chasin' an image So what happens if ya take off the make up reveal what's underneath, huh? What happens when ya remove the blonde take out the blue contacts liposuction wears off eyelid lift falls down face lift sags nose job reverses itself tummy tuck de-tucks what ya might have under all that Blonde is a ninety year old pigmy or maybe just Michael Jackson Who knows? Never know around here so ya gotta be careful gotta watch your ass 'cause it probably isn't YOURS probably a transplanted ass and watch out 'cause the make-over will need a make-over and the face lift will need a face lift and the liposuction'll need liposuction and the tummy tuck will need a tummy tuck and ya brain'll be tryin' to figure out which one's YOU but it'll be okay, everything will be just fine 'cause nobody will know the difference nobody'll care we'll compliment each other how great we "look" now that some surgeon cut away our flesh and replaced our hearts with plastic charge the make-overs with our Amex Gold our Citi-Bank Platinum’s or with our plastic hearts and so it goes Paint Jobs eatin' caviar made by DuPont on the sidewalks of Sag Harbor or Cape Cod talkin' about Cezzane as a tax deduction Van Goghs as a business transaction turnin' a world of unique human possibilities into BLONDES BLACK OUT HOMER A MAN SITTING BEHIND A HUGE DESK, TAKES SOME NITRO AND PUTS IT UNDER HIS TONGUE. Like the new Office, Homer? thought you would. And the new Sec.? She's hot, huh? Isn't it beautiful, Homer? Fifty floors of offices and each one has a brand new fax in it amongst other things, heh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. See the new condom machines in the lobby... Gotta protect the investments, Homer... Progress Homer, Progress. Human development. Human development. It never ceases to amaze me... And we are a part of that pretty little picture. Safety. Security. A sense of being all right amongst the madness of it all. We're family. I feel proud, don't you? Heh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, Don't let me forget to thank you, and... what's your wife's name again? Meg. Lovely name. Thank Meg, too, for "that incredible dinner"--it was deeeeeliciousss. And the kids got along beautifully didn't they? Didn't they? Homer? I know they did. Ha ha ha ha haha ha ha. Love the new Jeep and the Porsche. You're on the way up kid! They match the color of the house perfectly. Really compliments the aesthetic. Well done, Homer. Well done. Who's your designer? Did it yourself.... verrrrrry impressive... Ya know Homer, coming away from that dinner, it came to me--a flash of insight. I had a thought that summed up my experience about all of this... I was thinking: "I should get an Olympic size swimming pool, just like yours with all the fancy lights"... and all and I turned around to Judy, sitting there in her pretty new mink, and told her how I felt... and you know what she said? "I love you". Looked me right in the eyes and said that to me. And I hadn't increased the life insurance either. Ha ha ha ha ha .... So, I took out another loan--forty grand, so what... with this contract it'll be chicken piss. Hey, you only live once. (SERIOUS NOW) You'd better sit down. We have a chance to get the third world deal! CATCHES HIMSELF AND MAKES THE SIGN OF THE CROSS THREE TIMES IN A ROW. We're all saved now...Ha ha ha... This will be the big one. The presentation of your life. Of all our lives? You're the man, Homer. I want you to be in charge of this deal... Don't be silly, you've earned it. That Bosnia deal, well, all I can say is... art. It was art. It was... what's the fellows name? Uh... Michaelangelo. That's it... You're the new Michaelangelo of the modern world--the way you bullshitted those sonofabitches into believing in the horsecrap we spew out...well, Harvard Business School would be proud, Homer. The Republicans would be cumming in their pants. Well... enough small talk... Let's get down to business, shall we? Want anything? Cinnamon bun? Jelly Donut? Pussy? No pussy, not like you Home? Ha ha ha ha ha ha... Okay. Well, I think that it's not only a question of getting them to buy the line, it's more of a question of getting them to buy it for a decade or so. We want them to think we're the ideal. Nowhere in the world will they be able to get military parts, weapons, strategic perspectives with our... quality. They're the biggest account I've seen come through these doors in I don't know how many years. WE get that account and slam bam thank you mam we're in the upper two percent of the world in military. This accounts big... We're talking John Holmes! Heh, heh, heh... Bigger than the world... big. Five billion potential over the next year; another ten bill over the next few years and doubling like that on a five year scale indefinitely once their economy is hooked into "the development, use and sale of the equipment"--that's a commitment that we can't refuse. And you get a commission of it... And so do I. Nouveau Riche will look like the ghetto in a few years once we've got them hooked and pull them into the boat. No more loans... cash, for the pool.... Cash, for the Mercedes... cash, for the new addition... Because they're desperate and greedy. You can't forget that, Homer. They're where we were two hundred years ago on that great American plain. You can't let that get out of your sight for a minute. Or you'll lose ... you'll lose...everything. When you and ... what's her name again? Meg. Meg gonna come and visit us upstate? It's beautiful.. looks out on two thousand acres of pines, spruce, oaks, ponds, streams, mountains in the distance, and the nature, the wildlife, Homer, is unfuckingbelieveable. Miraculous... To have that, makes this seem all the more worthwhile. Right? At night when the moon lights up the woods, ya look out and it's like a fuckin' Christmas card! ... Angelic like... So peaceful. And you think about shooting a fuckin' deer right between it's eyes, skinning it and serving Venison to all your friends... Doesn't get much better than that? Except for the ol’ forty second street peep shows... Right? Right? Homer? I knew you'd agree... You're my kind of man. Ha ha ha. Now I want it to be handled with caution. Finesse. I want someone gentle enough to win her heart. Take their vulnerability and give it protection. Cuddle it into a contract. You know what to do... When you get in there and you sit at that table.... smile. Then give 'em that serious glare you do so well. How do you do that? Yeah yeah, just like that; it's perfect. Look at those mothers, with a father-like, authority, and smile again. Be sure to give them a sense that you're a nice guy. A sweetheart they'll know they can trust. When you smile, smile like this. See here. Let the caps be seen. Then you're stern, filled to the rim with security. Safety. A sense of growth. Just get right down to the profits. Let them see the scale of increase over the next ten years. It triples, remember to point that out... each country they can threaten will do business with them and that's what they want. A fear based underbelly with their international markets. A sense that if they want to sell or buy goods, and the other country doesn't want to cooperate they can annihilate them. But don't get too obvious about that point. Be subtle... and please... pleaaaaassseee Homer, ease in on the Space Wars thing. You give it to them too fast and it might loose them... It's new, not Reganomics.... This is the real thing (whispers) nobody knows about it but us... (normal voice) ...it's an idea that will just knock them off the face of this planet and we want them grounded so that we can juice em for every fucking dollar they have. Now the underground sound thing--that makes quakes off the Rictor scale... now that baby is a real selling point when attacking a country where the ground's more rock than sand because they can chip half of it off and send it under the sea. Ya know, send the country for a nice little swim. Ha ha ha. So, I want you to focus on that early too. And please, steer them away from discussing the radiation thing, the contamination factor or the possible death rate, that messy stuff just doesn't go over big when you're trying to sell a contract. Stay with the profits. And don't forget to smile. (Bears his teeth) Teeth. TEEEEEEETH. SEE. Talk modernization. We're all through with clubs and stones, bows and arrows and bayonets... Tell them those days are history Homer. Kaput. They'll understand "kaput", Homer. Three quarters of their country still makes houses out of mud and straw, they're smoking peace pipes, dancing around with chalk on their faces, making their lips three times their regular size and they want out of that. They've got to be brought out of the mud and BOOM into the twentieth century and they're ready, Homer, they're ready... (winks) They've heard about the shopping malls and they want to go with us. But if you feel any resistance, any doubt, then hit 'em with the "hint", about the potential of us selling to he other guys--if they don't buy from US. We've gotta keep our potential open. AHHHH.... LIFE....! LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE! So what do you think? What? Should I give the deal to Bill? You're the best salesman I've got! I have faith in you Homer. I believe in your talents. I don't like when a salesman hesitates? We're talking about a five billion dollar contract here Homer and you're playing it like we're trying to sell shampoo to the Ethiopians. We're talking nuclear arms. We're talking M.X. missiles. We're talking about bombs, gas, chemical and biological warfare products that can take out a city in seconds, vaporize everything in a hundred mile radius. Evaporate steele. Kill everything in... (snaps his fingers) ...milliseconds. These are great products. They should sell themselves. Hey, use that as a slogan, "The Nukes That Sell Themselves", you know... like the commercial... Let me see your smile did you floss this morning? Beautiful. Don't forget to floss on Monday. "Lead them out of darkness, Moses". But remember: I have a four hundred and fifty thousand dollar mortgage and two kids to put through college, among other things... We don't get this deal, and... so help me God. You know what I mean? So help me God, ah ha ha ha... Make a killing and bring home the bacon, booby. HE SMILES AS THE LIGHTS FADE OUT. STARGAZER Democratic Convention A MAN, HOMELESS AND DRUNK, IS SEEN WITH A BOTTLE WRAPPED IN A BROWN BAG. HE IS YELLING TO A WOMAN WALKING THROUGH PARK... Come back here butiful! I can read ya mind baby de; answer is YES! You heard me, mama--I know ya lustin' for me, an' the answer is -- ahhhh!... LOOKS THE AUDIENCE OVER. "Company". Ha ha ha. You see I'm a resident, donchya? An' I don't recanize any of you pilgrims from our resident meetin's. INDIAN GREETING. "How"... paleface intruder. If I had known ya were comin' I wouldn't have given the help the day off! What the hell am I sayin' I need a drink. OFFERS A DRINK TO THE AUDIENCE. Care to dance m' darlin? DANCES. DRINKS. Ohhhhh, you kiss so nice. I didn't always live in a park... I jus' got lucky. I've had trouble in other parts of the city--like the time I was out there walking... an' I'm walkin' an' walkin' 'til my brain's wet an' I had ta rest--find a place for the afternoon to stretch out... an' catch my breath... An' I end up, God only knows why uptown at da garden. Thirty fourth an' seventh... an' I'm stretched out see, on da cement... at da Garden... There I was: Out a job. Out a friend. Out love. Out. Why? Yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk... Tryin' ta find some con-sol-i-dation in my buddy booze give me a snooze, an... (regret to an audience member) ...I ain't had a bath today an' it looks like I won't be havin' one for a month an' so what's the sense of combin' my pretty hair, hmmm? What's the sense of anything? So I drown my senses in booze... An' I'm sittin' with garbage all aroun' me, at the garden. I'm mindin' my own... an' there's this haze comin' at me. A blue haze movin' an' I see legs floatin' by me so fast, looks like water there's so many legs movin' by in a rhythm comin' at me, gettin' bigger an' bigger an' bigger an' bigger an' it's on top of me, these two big legs are on top of me, knees are starin', I start talkin' to 'em like they was friendly, an' all of a sudden outta nowhere it hits me right in the head, THE COPS! An' how'd I think it was water? (LAUGHS). So I hide the bottle like I didn't do when I was a baby, an' these nice, clean, armored men in their oh so baby blues an' thirty eights stand over me like I was drownin' in the Harbor lookin' up Miss liberty's Skirt, an' justice for all, an' her torch was burnin my ass but it's the cement that's burnin' my ass an' I'm blah blah black sheep sittin' in a tub of sewage at the garden... ...an' this one cop is starin' down at me, one, two minutes ... seconds... my whole life ... An' he says "come on bud, hey hey, come on". But I'm a little drunk so's I think he's singing to me an' I thank him. His eyes wince. He frowns. Says "you gotta go son, beat it now, come-on let's go". An' politely my thick thick tongue says, "come on Mr. officer sir, give me a break, willya? Let me be. I'm takin' good care of the Garden." " An' he starts twirlin' his baton, doin' the policeman's jig. Starts makin' business deals sayin', "not today sonny. Come back tomorrow an' I won't see you, O.K.?" And he smiles real polite- like. Like this. He smiles at me like this see. A robot smile. And that's supposed to make me feel good, that he won't see me. I say "no"... nicely... very very nicely... an' there's this silence like I'm floatin' in space. Our eyes meet like this see. Tension. Suspense. We staaaaaare. He's chewin' his lip an' I think to myself ut oh! Maleness. He's a male an' he's feelin' threatened. He's a male, he's threatened he's got a gun and America behind 'im. Oh, I wish I were dead but I'm drunk an' that's almost as good in a situation like this... So I shut my eyes an' hold my breath... HE MIMES BEING PICKED UP BY HIS ARMS. ...Suddenly, out of nowhere, I'm bein' picked up by my arm pits an' I'm sayin' "what's the difference Mr. officer sir if I'm here today, tomorrow, yesterday?" An' he says ... he says ... now listen to this, get this, here comes the punch line ... THE PUNCH ... LINE ... OF THIS BIG, FAT, FUNNY, GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY JOKE ... Mr. blue says: "Today's the Democratic convention!" He says... SINGS SANTA'S COMING TO TOWN WITH THE FOLLOWING WORDS " THE PRES ... E ..DEN..TIAL... CANDIDATES .. COM... IN... TO ... TOWN. (SPEAKS) Along with his Pierre Cardin' friends an' sorry sonny there's no present for you an' we got orders from way on up above to clean up the streets by thirty fourth an so on avenues and YOU... DIRTY THEM! YOU! PUTTING HIS HAND GENTLY ON HIS HEART. You. "So move on" he says. "Move it along an' come back tomorrow when nobody'll care. Nobody'll take the time ... to kick you out of the garden." PAUSE. I'm dirtyin' up the parlor for America's well bred sons who are comin' to town to democratically party. An' the real inhabitants of this garden gotta move 'cause we make a mess. We're an eye sooooorreee..... We're not somethin' a Presidential candidate should see.... or know about... Ain't that the funniest thing you ever heard? Ain't that really somethin'? Well that was then; the "Parade" came an' went... the city cleaned up the slop the conventioneers left... the banners, the signs, the stupid hat's that say "we love somethin else" "the acceptable trash", an the Garden... is back to business as usual. The cop was followin' orders. But I don't understand the "logic". I don't understand how ya can give orders like that to someone to enforce? Whoever does it must be in a box somewhere he can't see nothin' but his... Go figure. DRINKS. BEGINS TO LEAVE. Stay as long as you like... We got four more years 'til the next Do Da Hip Hip Hooray... HA!. ALMOST OFF, BACKING OUT. You know I didn't always live in a park... FADE OUT. GENERAL FLASHES FROM CAMERAS NEVER STOP. The campaign is going well. Very, very well. We've taken out all the little white houses you see on your television screens. See the cute, little, square, white building. And now see the circle and the cross in it. See where the cross overlays the cute, little, white house. Now watch. See the little dark gray poof coming out the sides of the nice, cute, little, white house. Now see, no house. That means we've scored another touchdown. We won. Now, let's look at another well executed campaign with one of the two thousand sorties today in the theatre. See all the little black lines all over the light gray ground area where the cute, little, white house USED to be? Those are biological organisms. That’s right. There are probably ten thousand little black line biological organisms, so don't attempt to count them. They were the enemies. Bad people. Bad bad people. Hitlers every one of them. And now, they're all gone and we're safe. See. Isn't that nice? I'm sorry we couldn't bring this to you in living color but the technological consultants thought that color would be too confusing on the Death killer massacre fighter plane video monitors. Too much red. So we have to deal with the black and white of the situation. Any questions? I'll be happy to answer them for you. Yes sir? I can't comment. But I will say this. The technology is working incredibly well. The billions of dollars we chose to spend on this, instead of, other, things, was a good choice as you can well see. It is fantastic. Terrific. Amazing technology. 99 percent of each targeted little, cute, square has been accomplished. And as you can see not one of the little black lines is moving. Everything's been... calmed. And that's what you paid for. That's what you want. An amazing new type of warfare. We've coined it " Push Button Nitendo" a safe, clean, quick, economically efficient execution of maneuverability now only possible in this age of equality and human rights. So don't complain when you see half your pay check go to it. Casualties? Oh, well, they've been... casual. And we've only lost a few troops in the campaign. Yes, I'd be happy to summarize the situation in the theatre for you... Our objectives in the campaign, have only lost casual casualties, a few troops, and some paraphernalia, in the sorties over the cute, little, white buildings and little black line biological organisms, that go poof in the night... while you sleep. We'll keep you posted on the campaign as it progresses. Thank you very much. Have a nice day. BLACKOUT. STARGAZER THAT’S WHY! HE MOVES DOWN TO THE GARBAGE PAIL AND PUTS HIS ARM IS NOW, DOWN INTO A TRASH CAN. HE IS UP TO HIS SHOULDER, A SCRAP OF MEAT PRESET IN HIS HAND. AHHHHHH..... EEEEHHHHHH.... (to himself) Comeon Johnnny boy... AHHHHH FREEZES AS IF AFRAID TO MOVE - IT CAUTIOUSLY EVOLVES INTO GREAT PLEASURE. Ahhhhhh!!! I knew it, knew it, knew it... Come to papa, my little beauty! TRIUMPHANTLY PULLS OUT HIS ARM, AND SLOWLY UNCLENCHES HIS FIST TO REVEAL A SCRAP OF MEAT. HE LOOKS IT OVER LIKE A NEWBORN BABY, KISSES IT TENDERLY ... AND JUST WHEN WE'RE LURED INTO HIS WORLD, HE SNAPS HIS HEAD BACK AND PLAINLY ANNOUNCES: People want food! POPS THE SCRAP INTO HIS MOUTH. They want food, that's what it is, that's what it is, they want food, that's why they run. What else could it be? And money, they want money, to buy food, they want money to buy food, that's the problem, that's why it's the way it is, that's why they run. They want to commute go here, go there, come back, go back, come here, go there, turn around, go back, they want to commute all over the place. Where are they going? Where can they go? To find jobs, to go to jobs to start businesses, to run businesses to make money to buy food that's why they run. They want cars, more cars, fast cars, to commute faster, they want more and more fast cars so everyone can commute, come back, go back, come here, go there, turn around, go back get stuck in traffic jams sit in traffic jams all day, in the morning, in the afternoon, in the night, drive here, drive there, they want to commute all over the place in their fast cars but there are so many of them no one can go fast! So they sit honking at each other nose to rear end, nose to rear end, wanting to kill the guy in front the woman in back because they can't go fast, they can't commute all over the place sitting in traffic jams. It's an obsession. Go. Come. Go. Come. Commute! To pay mortgages, credit cards, college loans, airplane tickets, so they can go someplace else from where they already are. That's the trouble, that's the reason they want to run, what else could make people go crazy like that? Look around. Anywhere. Next to you. Look at them, look at them, sitting next to you. LOOK! You know what they're thinking? You know what they're thinking? I know what they're thinking? They're thinking of food! Which reminds them of money, then jobs, then cars, then commuting and THAT'S WHY THEY RUN! Everyone's running away from everyone. That's how it is. They get bored looking at each other. Sitting across from each other... Chewing. Chewing at each other every morning, noon and night. They get nauseous watching each other chew, chew, chew, chew, like little trains that chew, chew, chew and never stop... They go out with their credit cards, ready to charge a meal, so they can watch each other chewing... then they can't stand what they see, so they commute sommmmewheeerrrree else, they would cross continents to get away from each other chewing. No one can look anyone else in the eye because they'll be reminded of their families chewing morning noon and night! They buy food so they eat eat eat instead of talk. They shove food in their mouths, so they have an excuse not to talk. And if you can't talk, you don't have to look--you can commute. Commute from the table to the sofa, from the sofa to the bathroom, to then the refrigerator and back to the sofa, to the bathroom, to the bedroom to sleep, you can commute until you die... STARTS TO LEAVE. RETURNS. Then, you commute from the place you die, to the morgue, to the funeral parlor, to the cemetery, into the ground, and who knows where after that? Probably the worms stomachs, out their little assholes as nutrients, traveling into the roots of plants up into the plant's cells, into their eggs and spermies and into fertilization, into the birth of a new being and then up into someone's eyeball... sitting across from someone somewhere, watching them morning noon and night...CHEWING!!! RECOVERS. PLEASED WITH HIMSELF. There. That's the answer! I knew it, knew it, knew it. REACHES INTO TRASH CAN AND GRABS A CRUST OF BREAD, USES IT TO GESTURE. Now, if I could only remember the question... HE TAKES A BIG BITE OF BREAD AND CHEWS, CHEWS, CHEWS... THE LIGHT FADE OUT. SODOM AND GAMORA ----------------------------------------------------- TO READ THE REST OF THIS PLAY CONTACT THE PLAYWRIGHT CONTACT INFORMATION IS AT THE TOP OF THIS PAGE. I used to have the full text on the site but too many people used them without paying fair royalties etc. MS Word Fully Formatted version of this play is available for production after payment for scripts and royalties are made. Student Productions can purchase the script.