WE THE PEOPLE a Screenplay by John Monteleone CONTACT: e-mail: writing@johnmonteleone.com PO Box 2723 Sag Harbor, NY 11963 __________________________________ Copyright 1997 by John Monteleone All Rights Reserved Registered with WGAE FADE IN: BEGIN CREDITS. INT. SMALL GOVERNMENT OFFICE - AFTERNOON A typical government office with piles of books and papers scattered everywhere. Albert, a small, balding, effeminate man of 45, modestly dressed with a red bow-tie and black-framed glasses, sits behind his cluttered desk. He holds a phone to his ear and listens attentively. ALBERT (with empathy) Oh myyyyy! His face winces. He picks up a thick rubber band and diddles with it. ALBERT (shocked) They what?! INT. ROBESON KITCHEN - SAME TIME It's very poor, but its evident the owners do the best they can to make it home. There's a tray of medicine bottles in the middle of the table. A poor old black woman stands and pours tea for her sick husband in a wheelchair, the phone to her ear. We INTERCUT between the two locations. MRS. ROBESON ...and the computer said we weren't alive anymore; that's why he couldn't get his medical benefits... ALBERT (heavy lisp, limp wristed) ...Wait wait wait! Are you telling me, Mrsss. Robesssson, they told you, you were both DECEASSSSED?! MRS. ROBESON Yes. ALBERT While you were ssstanding right in front of them?! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: MRS. ROBESON ...I was breathing, too! Albert diddles nervously with the rubber band. Helicopters approach over the Robesons... MRS. ROBESON (raises her voice) My husband needs his medication to stay alive... (louder) ...and they told us they won't pay for him... ...Choppers are deafening... MRS. ROBESON (louder) ...'cause he's dead! ALBERT (confused, loud) ...He is dead...? MRS. ROBESON (screaming) ...WHAT?! She and her husband look up. Many choppers over the house rattle cups so violently hot tea spills on the man and the table--he pushes the wheelchair away. She quickly wipes his lap with an old rag. Albert pulls the phone away from the noise. The choppers move into the distance. ALBERT (loud) Is he dead?! MRS. ROBESON You dead, Elvis? She puts the phone up to him. MR. ROBESON (into phone) Not yet! END CREDITS (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Albert, frustrated by what he's hearing, pulls hard on the rubber band. ALBERT I promise promise promise you Mrs. Robeson, I will do the very best I... ...SMACK! The rubber band belts him in his forehead... ALBERT ...OWWWW..! (rubbing his forehead) ...Just send me that form... and I'll bring you both back from the dead. She slams the phone down. They look at one another. The old man brings a cracked tea cup up to his shaking lips. CLOSE ON: Two fine china tea cups and saucers. Tea is poured from a sterling silver tea pot. The inaudible sounds of a TV ARE HEARD in the background. WIDER: We're in: INT. PENTAGON ROOM - SAME TIME An exquisite room. An OLD WAITER in a tailored suit finishes pouring tea into the fine china cup. Choppers approach and fly overhead, but nothing rattles. Seated in two stuffed velvet chairs are: PRESIDENT RICHARD HARDON, 58, blonde, tall and good looking and VICE PRESIDENT DICKMAN, 54, tall and dark-haired. They apprehensively shuffle through papers. Behind him, on a 60-inch TV in a wall, is ROD RAMMER, NEWSCASTER, (35), a dark-haired stuffed shirt with a stiff back. ROD RAMMER ON TV ...Good afternoon--a special news bulletin: Just moments ago, a terrorist group claimed a bomb has been planted in the White House. Nothing new in Washington these days. ADVISOR (to the President) ...We're ready, sir. The President, frustrated, nods and rises. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: INT. CHOPPER - SAME TIME Chopper blades cut the air hard. We're hovering over the White House. ROD RAMMER (V.O.) ...Because of this threat, one of many this year, the President has ordered his administration to participate in a special emergency summit to confront this problem... OUT THE CHOPPER WINDOWS 4 army choppers hover around the parameters of the White House. ROD RAMMER (V.O.) ...He will address the public shortly... The co-pilot scans the ground through high-powered binoculars. THE GROUNDS BELOW Secret Service everywhere. Army vehicles and soldiers secure the parameters. INT. ALBERT'S SMALL OFFICE - SAME TIME Albert paces, watching TV. He bites his nails ravenously. PRESIDENT HARDON ON TV ...and we will never give in to terrorists or those out to infect us with scandalous lies. Because we believe in the truth. (confident smile) Some applause. ALBERT (lisp) That'sss such poop! PRESIDENT HARDON ON TV (new pose and deep stare) My fellow Americans, in this fleeting time of turmoil, I call on you to have faith, hope, and above all... courage. (smiles reassuringly) ...Albert snaps it off, turns biting his nails. Storms across the room... (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ALBERT (frustrated) ...Jussssst poop poop poop and more poop poop pooooooooop..! ...trips on a pile of books stubbing his toe--his glasses go flying, he falls flat on his face with a loud grunt. Then, on all fours, He searches for his glasses, patting the floor. ALBERT (more frustrated) Poop poop poop poop poop... ...NANCY, 34, enters with A VANILLA ICE CREAM CONE. She wears a red beehive hair-do, over-sized white framed glasses and a purple dress. She sees Albert's glasses in front of his face and hands them to him. He puts them on, and rises. ALBERT Thankssss, Nancccce. NANCY You're welcome. He sees the ice cream, smiles boldly, takes the cone like an excited child, and limps to his desk. NANCY The limo will pick you up tomorrow at 8:30am sharp. Now don't be late! ALBERT (gently smiling) Thankssss Nancccee. I don't wanna go. I have so many people to help right here. (licks ice cream) Want a lick? Nancy shakes her head, smiles and notices Albert's feet. Her eyebrows raise at what she sees. ALBERT'S FEET A long piece of white toilet paper trails behind his right foot. He looks down. Albert tries to remove the toilet paper on his right foot with his left foot. It's stuck on his left foot now. Then he tries (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: to remove the paper on his left foot with his right foot. Stuck on his right foot again. CLOSE ON: A digital radio-clock on a small pink shelf: 7:00am. WIDER: We're in: INT. ALBERT'S BATHROOM - EARLY MORNING IT'S SPOTLESS AND PINK: Rabbit cup holder, Miss Piggy Toothbrush, kangaroo wallpaper, poster of Mr. Rogers. The pink bathtub has an oversized bottle of BUBBLE BATH in the corner. Albert's in his morning get-up: Red pokodotted pajamas and PINK BUNNY SLIPPERS. He flosses in the mirror. ALBERT Oh no! He starts tugging on the floss. ALBERT Nuts. He opens the cabinet to find something. The end of the floss is in his hand as he slams the cabinet door shut. Bends down to look in a vanity drawer but his head jerks back--the floss is caught in the cabinet/mirror lock. With both hands, he tugs on the floss angrily trying to open the door. It won't budge. He pulls really hard and his feet slide out from under him spinning him around onto his back over the vanity. Now he's hanging from the floss connecting his tooth to the cabinet and grunting, his legs flaring madly to touch the floor, knocking everything off the vanity. He rights himself, frustrated. Tugs hysterically hard-- the cabinet bursts opens smacking him in the head cracking the mirror, he stumbles back holding his nose. Albert, dazed, looks into the cracked mirror at his jagged reflection, floss dangling a foot out of his mouth, his nose red and swollen, dizzy, and moaning. He makes a cold water compress. The radio-clock BLASTS ON startling him; rock music ends abruptly: DJ (V.O.) It's going to be a beautiful sunny day today so let's enjoy it folks. Albert puts the compress on his swollen nose. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: DJ (V.O.) Eight fifteen! Wake up America. Soak in that sunshine! Albert's head bolts upright! ALBERT Eight fifteen?! He turns on the souls of his pink bunny slippers almost doing a split, and exits. EXT. OUTSIDE ALBERT'S APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING THUNDER. Pouring rain. Heavy traffic. Horns blasting. DJ (V.O.) Good Morning Sunshine. Nothing like it to warm you inside. So here's my morning gift to you... MUSIC: "GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE" plays over: Albert bursts out into the pouring rain holding a briefcase in one hand, a small suitcase in the other, runs to the curb, looks down the busy road frantically, but doesn't see the limo. Floss still dangles out of his mouth. THUNDER. A WHITE limo is coming down the road fast. He raises his briefcase waving to the limo rushing toward him. ALBERT Thank God, thank God, thank God. It speeds past splashing mud all over his white shirt, face and glasses. ALBERT (softly to limo) Wait? He checks his watch, runs into the rain crossing the crowded street. Cars pass him in both directions, honking angrily. A BLACK limo pulls up in front of his apartment building. The driver gets out as do two Secret Service Agents who walk up to the apartment. MUSIC ends. PEXT. STREET CORNER IN WASHINGTON DC - MOMENTS LATER Rain is heavier. Thunder is louder. Albert is standing on a street corner looking like a drenched puppy and in a frenzy waves for a cab. One screeches to a stop. ALBERT Oh thank you thank you thank you! I'm so late! He clumsily gets in. INT. CAB - MOMENTS LATER We're speeding down the road. The DRIVER is a fat, 54-year old East Indian, wearing a white Turban, smoking a huge cigar creating a cloud inside the cab. Albert chokes and sneezes. Albert takes off his glasses to wipe them, and looks down. He's shocked. ALBERT'S FEET: He's wearing his pink bunny slippers. ALBERT Nuts. The driver blasts his horn. Albert notices the floss dangling out of his mouth. He tugs. Stuck! He inconspicuously rolls it up into his mouth. The Cabby Slams on the brake; Albert is thrust foreword. CABBY (out window) WATCH OUT YOU PUTZ! Hits the gas pedal hard. Albert is thrown back. EXT. CAB - SAME TIME He drives through a puddle. Water splashes up, smacking Albert's window hard. INT. CAB - SAME TIME The East Indian bites hard into a roast beef sandwich. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: CABBY (chewing, to Albert) Hey you... Why'd the President have oral sex with his secretary? ALBERT (mouthful of floss) Thought she was the "head" intern! CABBY (annoyed) So what, you knew that one. Hits the brake, the gas, spins the wheel hard left, bites into his roast beef sandwich as he leans on his horn... INT. CBN NEWSROOM - SAME TIME ...AN ARMPIT fills a large TV screen behind two Newscasters. It's a commercial for deodorant. No sound. Rod Rammer is there with his associate STELLA STORY, a 30-year old WASP, with an infectious smile and long blonde hair. DIRECTOR (O.S.) (countdown) Five... four... three... ON THE TV MONITOR BEHIND THEM: Black limos in a long line. RED "ON THE AIR" light flashes on--Rod and Stella sit up and smile boldly into the camera. ROD RAMMER Good morning! The President and his administration are preparing to leave Washington today for a special summit called by President Hardon to end domestic terrorism. Brenda Butt is in Washington. ON THE TV MONITOR: BRENDA BUTT, a 25-year old ditsy woman with an extremely thin upper body. Behind her, protesters with picket signs are barricaded off by police. PICKET SIGNS: "STAY HOME" "PRESIDENTIAL PRETENSE," "COWARDS." BRENDA BUTT ON TV Rod, the public is angry that top- level Presidential administration is leaving Washington together this morning, many believing it's to escape (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: BRENDA BUTT ON TV (CONT'D) the pressures of the latest scandal. Not the terrorist threats. She holds the mike up to one angry Picketer. MALE PICKETER (yelling) There is no way anyone could get near the White House. Domestic terrorist threats on the President are common, so this trip is just another con to divert Americans from their rampant infidelities! The Picketers cheer and wave their signs angrily. The cab with Albert speeds past almost running over the Picketers. BRENDA BUTT ON TV Increased threats from domestic and third- world militia groups prompted Congress to pass The Terrorist-Safety Law last year. The law allows top-level administration to leave simultaneously in times of necessity, and that's what this is. However, the Vice President must remain in Washington, and is now staying at an undisclosed location. FROM BEHIND: Brenda, and her very large butt. BRENDA BUTT (O.S.) Brenda Butt live from Washington. INT. CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S HOME - MORNING A messy middle-class home. A 35-year old OVERWEIGHT MOTHER, and a FAT 4-YEAR OLD GIRL WITH A LEG BRACE watch their TV. An ugly mutt sits next to her chewing rawhide. ON THE TV President Hardon, surrounded by Secret Servicemen, moves down the walkway towards the Presidential limo. TV crews are everywhere. At a distance is a CLUMP of press reporters flashing their cameras in a wild rush moving together like one mad beast. WE HEAR one REPORTER, A TALL, SKINNY MAN sitting on a SHORT, FAT REPORTER'S shoulders. TALL SKINNY REPORTER ON TV (screams) ...Mr. President..?! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: The President looks up. TALL SKINNY REPORTER ON TV (screams) Do you deny allegations you bit Marv Albert?! The President just motions that he can't hear him, waves, smiles, and gets into his limo. ROD RAMMER ON TV The President and his administration will board Airforce One shortly. STELLA STORY ON TV We'll be back right after this. (big smile) Bouncy Musak. COMMERCIAL: Rear ends wiggle to the musak sticking us in the face. The dog gags. HARD CUT TO: INT. ALBERT'S CAB - SAME TIME He's speeding faster now. CABBY (really annoyed) ...Who's handling the sex scandal in court? ALBERT ...Internal Affairs... CABBY (annoyed) ...New Anthem... ALBERT ...Jail to the Chief? Screeching halt. Albert slams into the back of his seat. CABBY Get out! ALBERT What? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: CABBY (red-faced lunacy) GET OUT! Albert stares at him incredulously. EXT. AIRPORT FENCED AREA - MOMENTS LATER Still pouring rain. Albert, completely water-logged, wearing his bunny slippers, runs by the side of the road along a high fence, carrying his luggage. An army jeep pulls up. OFFICER You can't walk here. This is government property. The officer notices Albert's pink feet, looks at him skeptically. EXT. ANDREWS AIRFORCE BASE - DAY Rain's stopped. The administration is boarding the plane. There's mad flashing of cameras by the Press Clump barricaded off. The tall skinny reporter sits on the short, fat reporter's shoulders screaming to the President. The President is at the bottom of the jet's staircase. The Jeep with Albert jolts to a stop. Albert jumps out, runs in his bunny slippers, stumbles and falls at the President's feet. The President helps him up. They look eye to eye briefly. The President towers over him, sees Albert's footwear and his eyebrows raise. ALBERT I have some really really really really really great ideas to help all the poor peop... ...FLOSS SPITS OUT OF HIS MOUTH HITTING THE PRESIDENT IN THE EYE- -the President jerks his head back, stumbling, grabs his eye as he's caught by Secret Servicemen. Aids check him out. The floss is still stuck to Albert's tooth and he rolls it back in his mouth. He is retained by two large Secret Service Agents. The President looks at Albert incredulously, turns and is escorted up the staircase waving and smiling to the press. The officer in the jeep is carrying Albert's luggage to the plane. INT. AIRFORCE ONE - DAY Sound of jet engines from inside a plane. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: PILOT (V.O.) (middle of his announcement) ...Have a pleasant flight. Before you know it, we'll be touching ground. Albert is sitting behind two very sexy women trying to take off his wet jacket. One sleeve slaps a woman in the head and face. She looks up annoyed and wipes herself off. ALBERT Oh myyyyy. I'm so sorry! Their eyebrows raise at the sight of him. Albert exits his seat. WOMAN 1 (to Woman 2) Got the weapons? Woman 2 pulls out a LARGE BOX OF MULTI-COLORED CONDOMS. WOMAN 2 It's going to be a very hot summit, huh? They laugh. OUTSIDE THE MEN'S ROOM - LATER Someone is banging on the bathroom door hysterically from inside. ALBERT (O.S.) Help! Help! Two attendants approach. ATTENDANT What's wrong? ALBERT (O.S.) (banging) I can't open the door! The attendants try to open it, but it won't budge. The Press on the flight are there, cameras flashing crazily. IN THE BATHROOM Albert is in a sweat, banging on the door ferociously, the floss dangling out of his mouth. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ALBERT I'm claustrophobic. Feel faint! OUTSIDE THE BATHROOM REPORTER 1 (to Reporter 2) Sounds hot. REPORTER 2 (a note into hand-held recorder) Administrator in jet toilet with minor. INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESSROOM - SAME TIME The WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN, JIM, a 37-year old short, stocky balding man with black hair, stands behind the podium. A crowd of reporters wave their hands and take photos. The tall skinny and short fat reporters are there snapping away. WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN (very confident, slow) Let us be clear: The administration is leaving for the summit, not to escape the latest sex scandal. For those worried about safety, I repeat, it is absolutely impossible for our two billion dollar jet to crash. Everyone is completely safe. (big smile) INT. AIR FORCE ONE - SAME TIME DEAFENING SOUND of the jet going down fast, over: SHAKING SCREEN Passengers are panicking. Luggage, books and papers flying everywhere. President Hardon is crying. IN THE COCKPIT Pilots frantically work the controls as dense forest speeds toward us. IN THE AISLE The box of multi-colored condoms SMACKS into the ceiling, bursts open thrusting twenty condoms into a whirlwind, slapping administrators in the face. PINSIDE MEN'S ROOM The walls are shaking and shuttering. Albert is freaking out, holding desperately onto the toilet bowl. He faints. DISSOLVE TO: Darkness and silence. INT. DARK ROOM SOMEWHERE - SAME TIME BLACK SCREEN. A small, round, gold plate on an extended arm, smoothly exits an opening in a black wall and stops--there's a small GLOWING OVAL GREEN SEAT in the center of the gold plate. WIDER DR. D., 99-years old, tall, with a once sophisticated face that now resembles a lizard; his neck is like an iguanas, sagging down, his skin is very wrinkled and rough. He's got little hair on the sides of his head and wears an all white three-piece business suit and white shoes. He holds a very tiny black case, the word CHIP written clearly on the top. He opens it, and removes a tiny SCALY GREEN EGG-SHAPED BALL about one quarter inch long, places it in the green oval opening on the gold plate and it begins pulsating with green light. The plate disappears back into the black opening. The screen is black again. HARD CUT TO: INT. LARGE DEPARTMENT STORE - SAME TIME MUSIC BLASTS FOR A SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN 40 large and small TVS. "SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN" splashes diagonally across ALL the screens. STELLA STORY ON TVS (excited) We interrupt this program for a special news bulletin. Air Force One crashed moments ago just after take off... Customers and sales people approach. A large crowd forms quickly. ROD RAMMER ON TV ...Officials have not confirmed it, but sources believe it was a terrorist attack. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Groans from the crowd. INT. HOTEL LOBBY SOMEWHERE A small crowd is glued to the single hanging TV. NEWSWOMAN ON TV ...We don't yet have word on the condition of the passengers, or the President. Horrified grunts. INT. A CAR - SAME TIME STUCK IN RUSH HOUR: Four large businessmen squeezed into a compact car are shocked. Horns honk. DJ (MAN) ...The Vice President is scheduled to hold a press conference any moment... INT. CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S HOME - SAME TIME The overweight mother and fat girl with the leg brace watch. NEWSWOMAN ON TV ...Witnesses said there was a funny sound, like a bomb, and then... EXT. TIMES SQUARE NYC - SAME TIME Faint sound of traffic, over: Thousands of people, all cars stopped, watch a NEWSMAN on the huge TV screen high up in the center of Times Square. INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - SAME TIME Jim, the White House Spokesman is at the podium red-faced. Flashes from press never end. The short fat reporter takes notes next to the tall skinny reporter who waves his hands ecstatically. WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN We're waiting for the Vice President. Please be patient. (reassuring smile) BEHIND A WALL BACKSTAGE ADVISOR 1 Where the hell is he? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ADVISOR 2 Should have been here ten minutes ago. ADVISOR 1 The entire world is watching! INT. HALLWAY Secret Servicemen block all entryways to the hallway. A large Secret Service Agent stands by a door. Inside the room we hear the loud grunts and screams of a woman. An older Secret Serviceman exits the room quietly and shuts the door silently. A young Serviceman rushes out of the elevator. YOUNG SECRET SERVICEMAN (heavy panicked whisper to Older Serviceman) What happened?! And what's all that noise? OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN (heavy sophisticated whisper) Vice President Dickman died in the throws of... relieving himself. YOUNG SECRET SERVICEMAN He died taking a dump? OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN That would be a lot prettier. The younger man just stares at the older man. OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN (delicately) They're trying to remove him from her. YOUNG SECRET SERVICEMAN Remove him? OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN Remove It. They stare at one another. OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN (confidential whisper) The doctor describes it as a "rare phenomenon" called Enlargenta Penisia, (MORE) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN (CONT'D) whereby blood is drawn away from the brain and rushed to the penis enlarging it ten times its size in one quick thrusting explosion, the head expanding instantaneously into a huge rock solid ball which in this case seems to have imbedded itself inside the woman's Cervix locking the two together. YOUNG SECRET SERVICEMAN You mean his wife is... OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN ...We wish. YOUNG SECRET SERVICEMAN ...Then who is..? OLDER SECRET SERVICEMAN ...Let's just call her, slut, for short. The younger man's eyes bulge. INT. ROOM - SAME TIME Laying flat on his back on the bed in a State of rigamortis is Vice President Dickman. A HOOKER is straddling him and screaming. She's wearing a long blonde wig, red-leather lingerie, and black high heels. She groans hard as she desperately tries to pull herself free. TWO HUMUNGOUS SECRET SERVICEMEN in black suits and sunglasses standing on the bed try to pull her up by each arm. TWO PHYSICIANS in sterile white coats coach them from the floor. PHYSICIAN 1 That's it! PHYSICIAN 2 Harder! PHYSICIAN 1 More! PHYSICIAN 2 Oh God! The Servicemen tug. The Vice President's rigamortis arm swings up and smacks the woman across the face knocking off her wig (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: exposing her bald head. They pull again. His arm gives her a stiff backhand, knocking her unconscious. The two physicians look at one another frustrated. PHYSICIAN 1 I have an idea. INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE ROOM - MOMENTS LATER A CIRCLE OF SERVICEMEN Clumsily move out of the room and into the hall concealing the unconscious woman and bottom half of Vice President Dickman. STICKING UP ABOVE THE SERVICEMEN The Vice President's dead and rigid top half, fully dressed, one rigid arm up in waving position with a big stiff smile on his dead face, wearing sunglasses. INT. PENTAGON HALLWAY - LATER A CAPTAIN, 40, SERGEANT 45, and a parade of advisors, military officers and staff, march down a maze of brightly lit, white intersecting hallways. STELLA STORY (V.O.) The Death of the Vice President has shaken America, and the world. The circumstances of his death, embarrassing. INT. CBN NEWS CLOSE ON: STELLA STORY STELLA STORY Experts believe the cause of death was a rare disease called "Enlargenta Penisia," whereby massive amounts of blood being drawn away from the brain and rushed to the penis... INT. PENTAGON HALLWAY ...Soldiers still march... STELLA STORY (V.O.) ...causes first, delusions of grandeur leading to poor judgment, second, an inability to recollect recollections, and finally, death! PINT. THE PENTAGON UNDERGROUND MAIN-GOVERNMENTAL-TOP-SECRET- ESPIONAGE-MEETING ROOM - SAME TIME It's a high-tech room with computers everywhere and a huge 20 foot television screen central to the computers. A section of the crash site is on screen, technician's eyes transfixed on it. Large gold doors swing open as the soldiers enter and stop simultaneously. SERGEANT Which General will lead the Military Emergency Facilitation Committee for Executive Intervention in Immediate Tragic Circum...? CAPTAIN ...Moosewad. The Sergeant's face grips in horror. BEHIND THEM A very tall, large, ugly man in a General's uniform towers over several officers escorting him down the hall. He moves towards us and enters the room, marches to the front and spins military style facing the room. Everyone's nauseated by his appearance. GENERAL ADAM MOOSEWAD, 62 years old, six foot eight, 390 pounds of once rock solid muscle stands like a statue of ugliness personified: Completely bald, with a very lumpy skull rising like bruised mountains, a hard crooked jaw, pocked marked face, and a big, crooked mouth. He speaks chewing the words out in a grunt-like growl. MOOSEWAD (in one militaristic breath) This is a matter of National Security; any survivors on that jet, one of them will be the next President. Now get me the G'damned crash site on that G'damned screen on the G'damned double!!! TECHNICIAN Sir, the crash site is on the screen. MOOSEWAD I don't care--put it on anyway! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: TECHNICIAN Yes, sir. Nothing changes on the screen. MOOSEWAD That's better. Stick with me, and everything'll be all right. TECHNICIAN We tapped into a televised transmission of CBN News, sir. THE CRASH SITE ON-SCREEN Smoke rising. One section of the fuselage badly mangled sits in the middle of the woods. Sirens are HEARD in the background. Brenda Butt is at the site, fuselage behind her. She keeps playing with her ear-piece, looking down. BRENDA BUTT ON TV (frustrated) Rod, I'm having trouble hearing you. It's a desperate situation here. In the smoky rubble of the hull behind Brenda there is movement. WOMAN SOLDIER Sir? It looks like... SERGEANT ...Can't be..? MOOSEWAD ...I'll be G'damned. The room groans in shock. Brenda keeps tapping her ear-piece unaware of the movement. Crew members point from behind the camera, but it only confuses Brenda... BRENDA BUTT ON TV ...No one could possibly survive this carnage; debris is strewn in a two mile radius and officials tell us death was instantaneous. A piece of metal flops over and a man pushes his way from the wreckage. A toilet seat hangs around his neck. ROD RAMMER (O.S.) Brenda? Behind you. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: BRENDA BUTT ON TV (not hearing Rod) They're making a final sweep of the fuselage looking for the black box which officials describe as... orange. The man sways dizzily like a newborn calf. His body and face is covered with soot, one pants leg missing, one sleeve missing, hair singed and jutting up in every direction. ROD RAMMER (O.S.) THERE'S A MAN STANDING BEHIND YOU BRENDA! Dizzy, confused and terrified, he begins to walk towards Brenda who is still playing with her ear-piece. WE SEE The crews arms pointing frantically from behind the camera. ROD RAMMER (O.S.) TURN AROU..! BRENDA ON TV ...I'm sorry but I can't hear what... ROD RAMMER (O.S.) ...LOOK, BEHIND Y..! BRENDA BUTT ON TV ...I repeat, there are NO SURV... ...The man stumbles directly into Brenda who screams knocking the camera over, both tumbling OFF SCREEN. CLOSE ON: BRENDA'S HUGE BUTT FILLS THE SCREEN--She's on her knees. The crew rights the camera and the crash site is back ON SCREEN. The camera crew helps Brenda up and she frantically runs up to the man now being placed on a stretcher. BRENDA ON TV There seems to be... I believe there's a... (to the man) ...Sir? Were you in the plane crash? She sticks the mic in his face. He grunts as the paramedics swoop him out of sight. BRENDA BUTT ON TV That was a survivor... It appears there IS a survivor. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ROD RAMMER (O.S.) ...DO YOU KNOW WHO IT..? BRENDA BUTT ON TV ...Brenda Butt, CBN News... ROD RAMMER (O.S.) ...ANY WORD ON WHO THAT MAN IS BREN... ...Sound goes out. She's tapping her ear-piece frantically. MOOSEWAD Turn that female off and put Lieutenant Higgins on via audio, NOW! The screen goes black. Higgin's voice, amplified, resonates loudly throughout the room. LIEUTENANT HIGGINS (O.S.) Higgins, sir? MOOSEWAD Do you know who that survivor is, Lieutenant? LIEUTENANT HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes sir, he was conscious. Short pause. MOOSEWAD Name, Lieutenant! LIEUTENANT HIGGINS (O.S.) Um... Albert P... Hiney sir... the head of Social Reform. Eyebrows raise. MOOSEWAD Did I hear you correctly Lieutenant? Did you say... HINEY? LIEUTENANT HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes sir. MOOSEWAD Get me his G'damned picture on that G'damned screen on the G'damned double! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: IN A FLASH: ON SCREEN: The photo of a limp-wristed Albert P. Hiney wearing his red bow-tie. The room falls silent at the ridiculous picture. Moosewad rubs his grossly lumpy head, never taking his glued, disbelieving, baggy eyes off the image. MOOSEWAD Higgins? LIEUTENANT HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes, sir? MOOSEWAD Are you ab-so-lutely certain he's the only survivor? LIEUTENANT HIGGINS (O.S.) Yes sir. Abysmal silence as the entire room gawks at the photo; all mouths agape; each face, thunderstruck. CLOSE ON: An angry Moosewad. MOOSEWAD Get me dirt on Hiney..! WIDER: We're in: INT. PLUSH MEETING ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Several men and women sit in a semi-circle in front of him. MOOSEWAD ...Lots of dirt, any dirt and we need it yesterday. It's a matter of National Security. THE NEXT DAY They're sitting in the same spot, stupefied, piles of papers in front of them. Moosewad waits eagerly. MAN 1 He overpays his taxes. On purpose. WOMAN 1 Supports his aging mother. MAN 2 Serves food at homeless shelters and nursing homes. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: WOMAN 2 Foster parent sponsoring two hundred children world wide. WOMAN 1 Straight "A" student; Suma Cum Laude; Yale. MAN 3 Was a Brother in the Catholic Church! WOMAN 2 Running programs for poor cancer and AIDS patients. MOOSEWAD Cocaine? MAN 2 Hyper-allergic to drugs of any kind. MOOSEWAD Pot? WOMAN 1 Asthma. MOOSEWAD Beer? MAN 3 Beer, sir? MOOSEWAD Cough medicine? Glue? Silence. WOMAN 2 Maybe he'll die. MOOSEWAD (disappointed) There's not even a broken bone. (pause) We'll just have to keep Mr. Albert P. Hiney quiet until... MAN 1 ...Aren't you forgetting something? They all wait for him to explain. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: MAN 1 The State of the Union Address is in two weeks. Terrified silence. MAN 2 We have a problem. MAN 3 No. We have a crisis. Moosewad's eyebrows raise. HARD CUT TO: Red soup SPLATTERS on a white wall. INT. ALBERT'S HOSPITAL ROOM - NEXT DAY Large Secret Service Agents in black surround the room. Albert sits in bed with bandages on his head and arms. He shakes violently and takes small sips from the bowl of soup. Two nurses try to hold him still. ALBERT ...big big big big plane crash... Down down down down boom... I was in it too... Oooops. A spoonful of soup flies across the room smacking a Secret Service Agent in the forehead, drips down his forehead and nose onto the floor. Moosewad, his assistants and the Doctor burst into the room. ALBERT SATAN..! ...He throws the bowl up into the air, hides under the sheets, nurses duck for cover and the soup bowl lands upside down on top of a Secret Serviceman's head. The bed sheets shake. DOCTOR (softly to Albert) This isn't Satan, sir. Albert slowly emerges from under the sheets. ALBERT He's not? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: DOCTOR No. This, is General Moosewad. ALBERT Moose WAD? OH myyyyyy. MOOSEWAD I like my name, sir. ALBERT Uh huh. (to Doctor) And I'm okay? DOCTOR Good as... how you were before the accident. It's a miracle. ALBERT Isn't that nice? DOCTOR Yes, that's nice. ALBERT You're a nice doctor. Thank you. See that, nice gets nice. Awkward silence. Albert looks at Moosewad who clearly is repulsed by him. With his small hand, Albert shyly waves "Hi." MOOSEWAD Sir? ALBERT Yesssss..? ...Moosewad winces at Albert's lisp then takes a salutary stance as do the other soldiers in the room. MOOSEWAD Being the sole survivor of... ALBERT ...It was so scary, I was crying the whole way down. It's sooooooo sad. The General and soldiers relax. MOOSEWAD Yes, sir. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ALBERT The toilet saved me. But the Vice President... MOOSEWAD ...The Vice President died yesterday... ALBERT ...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! The General and others throw their hands over their ears. ALBERT ...not Vice President Dickman oh God what'ssssss the world comin' too oh why why why why why at sssssuch a bad time- -is there no God? I don't care anymore I jussssst wanna be sure my bathroom's clean, have fresh undies on, then die, and I mean it this time too! Albert wipes his eyes and blows his nose honking loudly. ALBERT (one breath) Who's going to take over, we have to have a President it's like not having a daddy and we all need a daddy I know because I didn't have a daddy--can I have another hanky, pretty please with ice cream on top? The nurse hands him one. ALBERT (blowing his nose) Thank you... So who's going to be daddy? The room falls silent. Albert stops crying. MOOSEWAD No one is going to be daddy, sir. Moosewad takes a salutary stance as do the other soldiers. MOOSEWAD You, sir, have been app... ALBERT ...Where's my ice cream? They said they were bringing me vanilla. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: The General and soldiers relax. MOOSEWAD There will be no ice cream, sir. ALBERT No ice cream? MOOSEWAD No, sir. None. ALBERT Well why not? MOOSEWAD It's not about ice cream, sir! ALBERT What's it about? Moosewad takes a salutary stance as do the other soldiers. MOOSEWAD ...You, sir, being the sole survivor of the administration, are the newly appointed President of the United States, sir! Albert smiles. ALBERT You're such a kidder... MOOSEWAD ...Sergeant. The Sergeant clicks on the TV... NEWSWOMAN ON TV ...physicians are calling this a miracle. The newly appointed President, Albert P. Hiney will be sworn in... ...Clicks off TV. Albert's mouth drops open so wide a Mack truck could pull in and he falls flat on his back. ALBERT No no no no NO! I don't wanna be daddy! Go find yourselves someone else! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: MOOSEWAD That's impossible sir. It's your duty. ALBERT Duty Schmooty I don't wanna do it. Mommy? (a tantrum) I want my MOMMMYYYYY!!! GET ME MY MOMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY! Moosewad and the others look at one another, eyebrows raised to meet their hairlines. Albert continues his tantrum. MOOSEWAD Get the President's... Mommy! SOLDIER She's on her way, sir. MOOSEWAD Double check! He runs out of the room on the double. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - LATER There she is, all 300 pounds of her, MOMMY: One hundred percent Italian, (65), hair in a bun, a big hairy mole on the tip of her large nose, flowered dress, black box-toed shoes, white socks, apron on and ready to cook, carrying a large picnic basket under her huge flabby arms. Mommy gives Moosewad a dirty look, exits the elevator and marches down the hall like a tank; her thick flabby arms flapping hard. Moosewad by her side. MOMMY (Italian accent) Take me to him! Stunada government can't keep the most expensive jet in the world up in the air! Thank God he's all right. Thank God! MOOSEWAD He won't come out of his room. We've been trying for two hours. He's locked the door and barracked it. MOMMY Can you blame him--look at you! MOOSEWAD It's my head. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: They approach Albert's room. MOOSEWAD This is it. She bangs on the door, hard, with her fist. MOMMY Alby? It's Mommy. THE DOOR FLIES OPEN: There's Albert; bandaged, his arms outstretched. ALBERT Mommy! MOMMY My little Tortellini! He throws his arms around her. With one arm, she lifts Albert up, his feet dangling off the ground, kisses him all over his face, carries him into the room, kicks the door shut with a slamming thud right in Moosewad's face. Moosewad turns; another lump on his forehead. INT. ALBERT'S ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Mommy places Albert on the bed gently and lays the basket down. He just looks at her with love and empathy. Mommy opens the basket and begins removing the ton of food from it. ALBERT (regarding the food) Oh boy! MOMMY Wha'd they do to my precious Rigatoni? (regarding her back) OWWWWW! ALBERT You all right, Mommy? MOMMY Just a sharp twinge from the base of the anus all the way up to my nose like someone sticking a hot knife in me... Pause. ALBERT ...They want me to be the President. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: MOMMY I know my sausage. (groans) UGKKK... ALBERT ...What's wrong? MOMMY (matter of fact) Just the main artery to my brain is clogged and every now and then I get a little twinge. ALBERT Is it affecting your heart? MOMMY (shaking her head) Doctor said the valve is a smidgen more closed, but don't worry... Oooooh! ALBERT The arthritis? MOMMY It only acts up once in a whillllleeeeeeee. Ugk! (she grabs her stomach) ALBERT Bleeding ulcer? MOMMY What's a little blood? Now here, Knoki, I made you a little something. The entire room is covered with food. Mommy begins to eat spaghetti with her fingers like a horse. ALBERT I don't wanna be President, Mommy. MOMMY (stops eating) That's not the Hiney that popped outta my uterus. Albert is silent and sad. She rises, sits next to him on the bed and puts her arm around him. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: MOMMY Remember Mr. Rabbit? ALBERT Yes, Mommy. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING AREA - SAME TIME Moosewad is watching them on a TV monitor very interested in the story. MOMMY ON TV And what happened to Mr. Rabbit? ALBERT ON TV He had to follow his destiny? MOMMY ON TV That's right. And when he didn't? ALBERT ON TV He got caught by the big bad lizards who ate him all up. MOMMY ON TV And what's the lesson? ALBERT ON TV Follow your destiny? MOMMY ON TV And what does that mean for you? ALBERT ON TV I have to be the President? She nods. Moosewad grimaces at the thought. ALBERT ON TV But only if you can stay with me the whole time. MOMMY ON TV Of course. If, you pay me a lot of money. (big smile) ALBERT ON TV I can't do that, Mommy. MOMMY ON TV UGGGKKKKKKK! (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ALBERT ON TV You have to do it because you love me. MOMMY ON TV UGGGKKKKKKK! Albert doesn't respond. MOMMY ON TV All right. Let's tell that big, ugly man with that awful lumpy head that you'll do it, my little meatball. Albert nods. Moosewad grunts. MOMMY ON TV (she smiles at him) I'm proud of you Alby. Albert smiles a bit, trying to hide his fear. MOOSEWAD (mimicking her) I'm proud of you Alby. INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY - NIGHT Moosewad carries Albert in his arms down the hall. Many soldiers and Secret Servicemen surround him. ALBERT Thank you Mr. Moose... wad. I hate wheelchairs. They make me feel handicapped. How's your head? Moosewad stops by a large window. He considers throwing Albert out of it. EXT. HOSPITAL ENTRANCE - DAY There are hundreds of people barricaded off by police. Secret Servicemen form a line from the entrance to the awaiting ambulance. Albert, in Moosewad's arms, exits surrounded by Servicemen so that no one can see him. Flashes from cameras explode. CLOSE ON: A newsman speaking to a camera. NEWSMAN We're trying to get some idea of what he looks like. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Flashes from the press are blinding. The tall, skinny reporter, sits on the short fat reporter's shoulders and snaps photos ferociously. We can't see anything but the circle of Servicemen. MONTAGE: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SPIN INTO FRAME: · A. HINEY FOUND IN TOILET SEAT. · A. HINEY HEADS THE COUNTRY. · A. HINEY HID BY GOVERNMENT. · A. HINEY WE ALL WANT TO SEE. INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY It's empty, majestic, holding its history well. Light spills in through the large windows. The doors open, soldiers enter creating an aisle taking salutary positions as Moosewad enters carrying Albert in his hospital clothes. Mommy wobbles in slowly and sits like a lump, wiping her forehead. Moosewad puts Albert down. Albert stands, looks around. ALBERT I hate the colors. I want it redone... in pink. HARD CUT TO: The OVAL OFFICE. Pink! The soldiers are gone. ALBERT (O.S.) The curtains, baby blue. HARD CUT TO: The CURTAINS. Baby blue! ALBERT (O.S.) And get me an ice cream every day. Vanilla. The CAMERA PANS over to see Albert dressed as usual in his red bow tie, licking his vanilla ice cream cone. Mommy wears a bright yellow house dress with pictures of huge tomatoes on it, her box- toe black shoes and white socks, and a black kerchief around her head of curlers. Moosewad stares at them, bewildered. ALBERT That's better. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: He sits in the large, stuffed chair behind the Oval Office Desk and licks the ice cream apprehensively. There are an assortment of office items on the desk: A stapler, pen holder, etc. Albert begins banging on the top of the stapler, nervously, over and over again. MOOSEWAD The State of the Union Address is in two weeks, sir. We must prepare. ALBERT I can't do that! I get nervous, I get flustered, I can't read, my tongue dries up, my hands and body shake, I get sweaty and I'll faint--OWWWWWWWW! Albert staples his thumb, lunges backward sending the high-backed chair and him to the floor. ON THE FLOOR He's sitting in the chair on its back behind the desk, ice cream cone stuck on his nose, point up, holding his stapled thumb and moaning! Moosewad grabs Albert's arm and lifts him up with his great strength, sending him into a somersault over the desk landing flat on his back mid-office. ALBERT OW! OH! OW! MOMMY MY SWEET CANOLI! Albert rises, holding his bleeding thumb. He can't straighten out his back. Removes the ice cream cone from his nose. MOOSEWAD (rushes to him) I'm sorry, sir, I only meant to help. ALBERT My back. Oh God, I threw it out! Mommy? MOMMY (to Moosewad) Stupido! Mommy smacks Moosewad who cringes like a little boy. Then she wipes Albert's face. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: The doors fly open and ten people enter in suits. IN THE LEAD: PIERRE, a very thin chipper Chinese man of 30, obviously gay, blonde punk-style hair, a ton of jewelry including a large circular earring, wearing all black and smiling boldly. His associates cringe at the sight of Albert who moans, hunched over, holding his thumb and his squished ice cream cone. Mommy finishes wiping his face. Albert smiles at them and tries to straighten up, grunting. PIERRE (upper English accent) Hello, Mr. President. I'm Pierre. It is an honor to meet you. Tomorrow you come with us to the White House salon, where we will give you that Presidential look. A little make-over. (big smile) ALBERT (bites into squished cone) Make over? PIERRE For the press. The ravaging media. MOOSEWAD We've scheduled a private inauguration ceremony for you. A barrage of official people rush into the Oval Office: Two men carry a podium, another a large bible and immediately create an inauguration ceremony. Secret Servicemen surround the President concealing him. WE HEAR mumbling inside the circle. Albert's HAND is placed on the bible. It shakes. ALBERT (O.S.) I do. His hand relaxes. A White House photographer SNAPS A PICTURE OF HIS HAND and exits. More mumbling. The group turns and leaves with the podium and bible. Pierre and associates exit behind and the doors close quietly. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Silence. Albert stands dumbfounded. ALBERT That's it? MOOSEWAD Yes, sir. In an emergency, we have to move things along rather quickly for National Security. ALBERT Uh huh. MOOSEWAD You will have to appoint a Vice President and other members of the administration. We have a... ALBERT ...My friends are gonna be my administration. Moosewad and Albert stare at one another. CLOSE ON: A PSYCHEDELIC-COLORED FOLK GUITAR BEING STRUMMED PASSIONATELY. 60's upbeat folk tune. PAN UP: THOMAS, 60, a genuine American Indian with ass-length straight gray/black hair, wearing bell-bottom jeans, wild tie-died T- shirt, vest, thick beads, wrist bracelets, rings, sandals and a thick Indian headband, strums his folk guitar passionately... hair flares everywhere. He sings: THOMAS (strums loudly) The people people people are bein' shat on shat on shat on by the assholes assholes assholes up above way up above... (repeats as necessary) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: DANCING ARE: Mommy, Albert and: SHANTEL, a stocky 35-year old black woman with fine-braided shoulder-length hair, multi-patched dungarees, tight black T-shirt, red Nike sneakers and: PROFESSOR MINDSTEIN, (75), thin, wearing black chinos, gray tweed jacket, green shirt, long white crazy hair under his black fedora hat, white loafers, a full beard, and round, very thick tinted spectacles. There's a table of food near them. OFF TO THE SIDE Moosewad stands at attention with Pierre and a tall, black ADVISOR. They all watch the group dancing with disgust. Pierre leans into Moosewad. PIERRE Pinch me. MOOSEWAD That's now considered sexual harassment. PIERRE I can not believe this. MOOSEWAD (indicating Shantel) The black woman is Vice President. The hippie, Speaker, the old man, Secretary of defense, and fatso, Press Spokesperson. He has a list of others, all just as... different. PIERRE Dear God in Heaven. MOOSEWAD We're postponing the other appointments. (regarding the group dancing) But they're in. They watch them dance. Pierre rolls his eyes. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: PIERRE When he's through acting like an idiot, send him to me. I have work to do. A lot of work. Pierre exits. ADVISOR (aroused) The only one who can dance is the black woman. Thomas finishes the song and they stop dancing, hug and kiss. Shantel sees Moosewad and moves over to him. SHANTEL (to Moosewad) Hit your head? MOOSEWAD No. It's my head. SHANTEL Hold on! I don't like attitudes. So let's get something straight right now: I'm a single mother, worked two jobs to bring home the bacon. Everybody I know feels used and abused. But now, I've arrived honey. So we're gonna get down; the workin' man and woman's voice'll be heard LOUD AN' CLEAR BABY. An' if you got an attitude with me, this ride's gonna be as bumpy as your head is lumpy. GOT IT? Moosewad looks at her confounded. She stares at him cross-armed and angry. Thomas smokes a hand rolled cigarette like a joint. THOMAS (to Moosewad) Hey, man, what's cool with you, dude? MOOSEWAD Nothing, sir. THOMAS Fall outta bed? MOOSEWAD It's my head, sir. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: THOMAS Lumpy. Real lumpy. MOOSEWAD Anything else, sir? THOMAS Alby, Mr. Violence here wants to know if there's anything else? ALBERT No, you can go General. Thank you. Thomas, you be nice to him. He carried me all the way from the hospital. Mr. Moosewad I hope your head feels better. Moosewad gives him a look and exits. Thomas and Shantel talk, Mommy eats like a horse. Albert and the Professor are talking by the food table. ALBERT Any new inventions Professor? PROFESSOR Yes and no. ALBERT No? PROFESSOR No. Not "NO"! "Yes and no". You see the difference? ALBERT Yes. I think... PROFESSOR (annoyed) ...No! Not yes. Not no. That isn't what I said, was it?! ALBERT No. PROFESSOR No. I didn't say NO! What did I say? ALBERT What? (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: PROFESSOR Now we're discussing "what?" ALBERT Who..? PROFESSOR ...Who? Everyone's involved! It's hopeless! IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY! ALBERT Who's involved? What's Hopeless? What's a conspiracy? PROFESSOR (munches on a chip) Nevermind... ...Mommy leans over and smacks the Professor, as: POWERFUL LIGHTS surging on one by one. INT. WHITE HOUSE SALON - DAY Albert sits in a large salon chair. Pierre enters into the bright light scrutinizing Albert's image. PIERRE (joking) Somebody get me some testosterone here! Ten stylists appear with combs, pairs of scissors, blow dryers, and an assortment of wigs. MONTAGE: MUSIC: "MACHO MACHO MAN," OVER: · Pierre measures Albert's head, a woman writes numbers down. · A woman measures him for glasses. · A tailor measures him for a suit. · A brown short toupee is plopped on Albert's head. Shantel, Thomas, and the Professor shake their heads. Mommy smiles adoringly. · Albert with a long black toupee sweeping back. Pierre can't stand it, Shantel laughs, Albert looks annoyed. Mommy smiles. · It's Jimmy Carter blonde with a touch of gray. · His friends shake their heads simultaneously. The other stylists look worried. Mommy smiles adoringly. · Back to the short brown toupee with some gray in it. Better. Everyone has a look of hope on their faces. Something's off. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: · Add a short brown mustache. Nope. · How about a longer brown mustache? No way. · A very long brown mustache? Well... · A longer brown mustache but with some gray in it. Better. · The group isn't happy. Neither is Pierre or his associates. Mommy loves it. · Albert sneezes. Points to the wig. · They add a long, brown and gray beard. · We can't see Albert's real face at all; it's covered with hair. · Shantel, Thomas, and the Professor just stare at Albert. Mommy throws a kiss. · The tailor enters with a very expensive blue pin-stripped suit and proudly holds it up. · The woman places a thin pair of glasses on Albert. ALBERT'S NEW LOOK: In the suit, hair shellacked down, thin framed glasses and with a beard covering his face, he's "more" Presidential. PIERRE (touching it up) Let it settle. Tomorrow, we'll take the photos, and begin preparation for the State of the Union Address. (big smile) It's a wonderful speech. (bigger smile) ALBERT But I didn't write it. Pierre and his associates smile too boldly. MONTAGE IN BRIGHT LIGHT The photographer flash fires rapidly--one after the other. · Albert, fist under hairy chin, eyebrows pinched. Flash! · Albert leaning in with a big smile. Flash! · Albert leaning back, arms crossed, eyebrows raised high. Flash! Pierre stares at the photographer who's appalled. Pierre thinks. WE HEAR the camera rewinding LOUD and snapping OFF. NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SPIN INTO FRAME: A photo of ONLY ALBERT'S HAND ON THE BIBLE on each front cover: (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: 1. A. HINEY'S INAUGURATED. 2. A. HINEY WITHOUT A FACE. 3. A HAND BUT NO HINEY. 4. AMERICA WANTS TO SEE A. HINEY. EXT. WHITE HOUSE TRAINING GROUND - DAY MUSIC: "MACHO MACHO MAN," ends, "ROCKY THEME," begins, over: Albert is in designer jogging gear with toupee, beard and mustache. Pierre, also in gear, coaches Albert who is trying to jog, but flares his arms high, his head bopping from side to side bouncing and swaying rather than running. The photographer has to stop. MUSIC: "ROCKY THEME," ends. PIERRE Um, sir? ALBERT (stops) Yesssssssssss. PIERRE You're doing fine, fine. But just one small thing. When you jog, let's try moving forward, instead of from side to side. ALBERT Uh huh. MUSIC: "ROCKY THEME," begins. Albert jogs again--there's no difference. Pierre and the photographer stare in disbelief. Albert sneezes. MUSIC: "ROCKY THEME," dwindles out. PIERRE Are you all right sir? ALBERT I'm allergic to all this hair. PIERRE We'll get you something. Albert sneezes again. Pierre just looks at him. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: PIERRE Why don't we try... weights? MUSIC: "ROCKY THEME," begins. INT. GYM - NEXT DAY Albert has two light dumbbells, one in either hand over his head causing Albert to lose his balance, moving uncontrollably to his right. The photographer shoots. PIERRE Good, and stop... Stop yourself from moving... Okay... now try and stop Mr. President..! ...He's running sideways unable to stop himself and is caught by two large, muscular aids in gym suits. The photographer stops. WE HEAR the camera rewinding LOUD and snapping OFF. MUSIC: "ROCKY THEME" snaps off with the camera. PIERRE (face to face with Albert) Shall we go with a full body shot, sir? From a distance? Pierre, smiling, waits for a reply. Albert sneezes in his face. INT. PIERRE'S OFFICE - DAY Moosewad, Pierre and his staff are looking over the selected photos, one worse than the other. Pierre gets nauseous and runs out. Moosewad picks THE WORST one and smiles. CLOSE ON: THE RIDICULOUS PRESS PHOTO: Albert leaning in, smiling, one corner of his mouth higher than the other, one eyebrow up, his head tilted. Lot's of hair. MONTAGE: NEWSPAPER HEADLINES SPIN INTO FRAME: The RIDICULOUS PRESS PHOTO of Albert on every cover: · HERE'S... A. HINEY! · A. HINEY FOR PRESIDENT? · CAN A. HINEY RUN AMERICA? · HERE'S WHAT A. HINEY LOOKS LIKE! · CAN A. HINEY FILL THE PRESIDENT'S SEAT? INT. THE OVAL OFFICE - DAY Pierre coaches Albert on his speech standing in front of the Oval Office Desk, holding his hands out like a camera lens. PIERRE Let's try it again. Try to hold back just a bit on the S's. Okay? ALBERT (regarding speech) But none of thissssss issssss true. It's just a lot of liessssss. PIERRE Let's start at the top, shall we? It's tomorrow, sir. Albert prepares himself taking "a pose". Then: ALBERT My fellow Americansssss, thisssss issss a... PIERRE ...Mr. President, um, you're doing it again. ALBERT The lisssssP? PIERRE Yes. Just pull back and hit the "S" once. Don't prolong it so very much. And try to keep that wrist UN-bent, no swaying and keep the head straight. All right, I can feel it, sir, this will be the one! Albert prepares himself, and takes "another pose". Then: ALBERT My fellow Americanssssss... Thisss isssss a... PIERRE ...Not quite it! Let me suggest that you begin to think of it as just one "S", not... a million. Okay? All righty then, let's try it with authority. Look into that camera, and BE, the President of the United States of America! (big smile) (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: Albert takes "another pose." ALBERT My fellowwwww... PIERRE ...Stern stern... ALBERT ...Amerrricanssss... PIERRE ...ONE "S", and no wrist... no wrist... ALBERT ...Americansssssssssssss... PIERRE ...little less head... ALBERT ...Americansssssssssssssssss... PIERRE ...little less swaying... ALBERT ...AMERICANSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS... PIERRE ...Not bad, not bad! Okay... Let's... Okay, let's uh... let's try... uh... CUT TO: INT. PIERRE'S OFFICE - NIGHT Pierre paces, distraught and drunk. Moosewad watches him. PIERRE I've tried everything. Nothing works. He SOUNDS like... he LOOKS like... A PLATYPUS IN A BUSINESS SUIT?! The American people are going to see and hear him, and shit! SHIT! It'll cover cities! Like the great mud slide of Pompeii... POMPEII..! ...He runs out of the room. Moosewad smiles. INT. THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES - NIGHT Mumbling from the large audience. Albert enters from the rear, surrounded by Secret Service. The audience turns. CLOSE UPS of the audience members: Mouths agape, eyes filled with wonderment, fear, inquisitiveness, apprehension. Albert smiles and waves gently, very self-conscious. As he moves onto the stage, he trips slightly on the step. He moves toward the podium. The audience grows silent. Shantel and Thomas sit at the high podium behind Albert. They're dressed in street clothes, the flag behind them. Mommy and The Professor are seated in the rear of the house. Mommy wipes away her tears of happiness. Albert's at the podium fully costumed. CLOSE ON: Albert. He swallows hard. REVERSE SHOT: The audience looks at Albert eagerly; eyes fixed on him. Albert smiles gently at all the people. He swallows again. Then waves. Long, tense pause. ALBERT Hi. BACKSTAGE Pierre watches a LARGE TV MONITOR with Moosewad. Albert, Shantel, and Thomas are on the screen. PIERRE How'd they get away with street clothes for God's sake? ALBERT ON TV Well, isn't thisssss a big deal? Pierre winces. PIERRE (to Moosewad) Pompeii. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ALBERT ON TV This is really something something something? Pierre takes out a walkie-talkie and brings it to his mouth. PIERRE (screaming) Mr. President please, just read the speech! Albert winces, and grabs his ear. ON-STAGE Albert takes "a pose," then: ALBERT (hysterically nervous) My fellow Americanssssss. This horrid, trageby, excusssse me... (clears throat) ...has pierced the heart of our great Nubtion! NATION! (takes another pose) I have the very difficult job of meeting you, the American poople... Pimple... PEOPLE! I meant... people. I'm sorry I'm nervousss I guessssss... (he touches his head) BACKSTAGE Moosewad holds in his smile. PIERRE (into walkie-talkie, nervously) Calm! Calm! ALBERT ON TV (dizzy now) ...I am proud to be the Pres-i-dent of the UniBed StUtes of... ...His eyes roll, he spins and collapses behind the podium with a loud thud and grunt. Servicemen move quickly. Moans from the crowd. Pierre throws both hands over his mouth and his walkie- talkie falls to the floor. PA CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S HOME WATCHING TV: Albert on the floor out cold. The 4-year old fat girl with a leg brace and her ugly mutt sit on the floor. A fat construction worker sits in his chair. His overweight wife on the couch. They're shocked. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES Servicemen help Albert to his feet. His toupee is crooked. ALBERT I'm so sorry. I'm... (sneezes) I'm very nervous. (to Advisor in wings) Can I have a vanilla ice cream? Please? BACKSTAGE PIERRE NO! Don't bring him ice cream for God's sake! Pierre rushes out. WE FOLLOW THE BUMPY AND MAD RUSH out of the room into the wings of the stage. Too late! ON-STAGE Two aids are there on either side of him, holding a vanilla ice cream cone. Albert politely takes both and the aids run off. Albert, holding two ice creams at the podium, doesn't know what to do with them. He smiles nervously. ALBERT Anybody want one? Audience is frozen in disbelief. Eyes bulge, mouths hang to the floor. Albert licks the ice cream and sighs. THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S HOME The fat construction worker and family watch Albert, ice cream smearing all over his fake beard and mustache. The dog licks his chops. On TV, Albert bites into the cone. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ALBERT ON TV (mouthful) Oh, that's good. Vanilla ice cream should be mandatory for all speech- giving. (Giggles) The wife gets up and exits. MONTAGE: FAST AROUND THE WORLD SHOTS: ALBERT ON ALL TV'S EATING ICE CREAM: · ITALIAN RESTAURANT. Forks with pasta midway to mouths. · IRISH HOTEL. Whiskey glasses halfway up to mouths. · GERMAN NEAT ROOM. Men in black turtle necks, eyebrows raised. · FRENCH CAFE. Men wearing berets, coffee cups mid-way to mouths. · AFRICAN SAFARI TENT. Meat on forks halfway to mouths. · CHINESE PALACE. Emperor's noodles hang off chopsticks. · ESKIMO IGLOO. Eskimo's in fur coats; blubber-on-a-stick. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ALBERT (licking) I'll be... (lick) ...just a minute. Not knowing what to do with the second cone, he puts it in his glass of water. It bobs up and down. He's almost finished, sucking the ice cream from the bottom. Many in the audience are slumped down in their chairs, or in shock. He's done. ALBERT I didn't write this speech. I hate it! (holds it up) It's stupid and full of lies. Numbers that don't mean anything. Promises nobody can keep and you all know it, too. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: He rips the speech up and throws it over his shoulder. The paper sprinkles down around him. POLITICIAN'S OFFICE A group of politicians watch stunned. ALBERT ON TV (sneezes) I hate being something I'm not. (he's growing angry) Know what I mean? He tears off the toupee, a ripping sound is heard. The politician's eyes pop open. DR. D'S OFFICE CLOSE ON: Dr. D. watches, smiling. ALBERT ON TV They put this toupee on me 'cause I'm balding. (really angry) But that's who I am. Throws it over his shoulder. BACKSTAGE Pierre spins and faints. Aids try to revive him. Moosewad smiles at Albert. ON-STAGE Albert's hair sticks up. Grumbling from the audience. ALBERT I don't even have facial hair. He rips off the mustache. ALBERT Ow! Drops it on stage. More mumbling from the audience. He pulls on the beard but it's on tight. He tugs harder. Finally, it comes off. He throws it left; takes off his jacket and throws it on the floor; opens his collar and rolls up his sleeves. Loud mumbles from the audience. PA WEALTHY HOME A family watches in disbelief. The father's in an expensive suit and tie. A groomed Afghan dog with pink ribbons in its hair watches too. ON THEIR TV Albert tears off his tie. Throws it right. ALBERT ON TV To me, ties are like upside down nooses! Uneasy and loud mumbles from the audience. The wealthy man smiles and loosens his tie. THE CONSTRUCTION WORKER'S HOME The fat family eats vanilla ice cream cones watching Albert undress. The dog watches the family eating and whines. THE POLITICIAN'S OFFICE Some politicians laugh, others are insulted. One angry man takes out his cellular phone. ON THEIR TV Albert takes HIS black-framed glasses out of his pants pocket and puts them on. A BAR IN WYOMING Macho men in outdoor gear laugh at Albert on TV. One long haired, bearded 50 year-old man in an army jacket and wheelchair drinks hard. ALBERT ON TV I eat ice cream because it helps me calm down and think. You know what I was just thinking about? Little Sammy. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ALBERT Sammy was a little bitty boy, with great big eyes. CLOSE ON: A SMALL BOY WITH BIG EYES. WIDER: WE'RE IN: PA TENEMENT APARTMENT The boy sits next to his mother and poor family, in a run down apartment, watching. ALBERT ON THEIR TV He was starving, and homeless. At night, when he tried to sleep in his little run-down house without hot water, without food in the fridge, Sammy would have nightmares about a great big ugly black tarantula crawling up his little itty-bitty arm to bite him right on his jugular. The little boy cuddles into his mother's arms. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ALBERT He saw his future of poverty. A little child. This baby. Like your babies. Did you know that every minute in this world of ours, forty children die of starvation. Every minute! AN OLD WOMAN'S APARTMENT A THIN, FRAIL, VERY OLD JEWISH WOMAN in a wheelchair wrapped in blankets watches Albert on her old black and white TV eating crackers. There's a large black and white photo on the wall of a young girl behind a fence in a concentration camp staring at us. ALBERT ON TV And there are little old ladies, sitting in cold apartments right now, unable to even buy Metamusil. The woman's eyebrows raise. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ALBERT And so many others. I think it stinks. (he's holding back tears) There's no excuse. We can stop the suffering! Applause. PNYC 9TH AVENUE (NIGHT) TWO HOOKERS, a black woman in a blonde wig, and a blonde woman in a black wig, watch Albert in a store window jammed with electronic equipment. ALBERT ON TV But you can't care about others if you're unhappy about yourself and your life. Most people hate their jobs. They feel stuck and angry and confused. The hookers look at one another. A LARGE DEPARTMENT STORE A middle-aged woman watches 100 TV monitors. A crowd is gathering. ALBERT ON 100 TV'S They feel over wrought with debt and worry. The employee runs the woman's credit card through the machine-- debt written on her face. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ALBERT Then there are the gems. A GYM Muscular guys watch Albert with arrogant smirks on their faces. ALBERT ON TV Men who want their penises enlarged instead of their brains enlightened. One guy is embarrassed. The others smile and agree with Albert. A MODELING SHOOT Pretty models with large, perfect breasts, watch Albert. ALBERT ON TV Women more concerned with breast implants than breast cancer. The models cover their chests. PTHE POLITICIAN'S OFFICE Officials watch Albert smugly. ALBERT ON TV Politicians earning a vote with a lie, instead of the truth. Lobby's that buy ideals and ethics, instead of ideals and ethics that ignore lobby's. The politicians look down. One nods sadly. DR. D'S OFFICE CLOSE ON: DR. D: He's angry. ALBERT ON TV This isn't a game. People shouldn't be used for someone's greedy needs... ROBESON'S HOME, WASHINGTON DC The old black man in his wheelchair and wife watch in their run down kitchen. ALBERT ...Or victimized by an indifferent bureaucracies incompetence! They nod. THE EAST INDIAN CAB DRIVER'S APARTMENT He's by himself smoking a huge cigar. CABBY (amazement, smiles) I know him! ALBERT ON TV The way I see it, if you want a healthy country, you can't have people living in it feeling like... poop! HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ALBERT And that's how most people really feel... like poop, poop, POOP! DR. D'S OFFICE CLOSE ON: DR. D: He's sitting back in a large desk-chair. His old face wrinkles with concern, thinking overtime! PHOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES BACKSTAGE Pierre and Senators are stunned. Moosewad isn't smiling. ALBERT ON TV All I ever really wanted to do was help people, so I'm gonna give it a try and do my best. That's all I can say right now. I gotta go take a bubble bath. Good-night. And bless you all. And with that he waves and walks off. Applause is weird; it starts, it stops, it starts again, it stops again. INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT - NIGHT LOOKING DOWN: The elevator box moves down fast into darkness. INT. TUNNEL HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER BLACK ELEVATOR DOORS EMBEDDED IN ROCK. ABOVE THEM ARE LIGHTED NUMBERS: The numbers are moving fast, 20... 10... and finally stop at "THE CAVE": The doors open and Moosewad exits. He walks down a dark, cave-like tunnel embedded in rock. His footsteps echo. INT. DR. D'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER A State of the Art, very large and extravagant office chiseled away in dark gray rock. Walls of computers, two large TV'S, a large control panel with many buttons on it. A TV MONITOR that changes images every two seconds: One room filled with people on computers and phones, to another similar room, then another... A small TV MONITOR changes images every few seconds of various tunnels throughout Dr. D's extensive compound. The walls of the office are lined with stacks of hundred dollar bills embossed in polyurethane. The desk top is a huge million dollar bill with Dr. D's face on it. There are stacks of real hundred dollar bills on the desk used as book ends, paper weights, etc. Four small bombs are used for desk legs. On the walls are photos of Hitler, Stalin, Ivan the Terrible, and Caligula, smiling. Behind the huge desk stands the 99-year old reptilian-looking Dr. D. staring at Moosewad who seems afraid of him. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: DOCTOR D. The Neilson Ratings soared. They love the misfit. MOOSEWAD How can that be? DOCTOR D. He told the truth. (he leans in) Do you know what this means? MOOSEWAD (sarcastically) We have to give old ladies Metamusil? DOCTOR D. This man is dangerous. He's compassionate. He's empathetic. That makes him the worst kind of political evil. We can't have people feeling for others. Hopeful, yes, fearful in a delusion, okay, but actually thinking about what's really going on? DISASTER! Look at this. TV ON! The large TV monitor comes on. FEMALE NEWSCASTER ON TV Today, people everywhere across the country had a change of heart! ON TV: A businessman in his office tears off his toupee, jacket and tie and smiles about it. FEMALE NEWSCASTER ON TV From CEO's to laborers, people expressed a need for change and honesty! A MALE NEWS REPORTER WITH A WOMAN ON THE STREET WOMAN ON STREET ON TV I think he's right. I'm sick of all the phony crap, too! Aren't you? DOCTOR D. Change channel. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: IN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES Senators and Congressmen reluctantly sway from side to side singing with Thomas, who's standing on top of the Speaker's podium and strumming his guitar passionately. THOMAS AND SENATORS ON TV (singing while coaching) Feel me... Touch me... Hold me... Heal me... Moosewad burps. DOCTOR D. Change channel. Mommy is yelling at the tall, skinny reporter, who sits next to his fat friend. Shantel is by her side. MOMMY ON TV Filth mouth! SHANTEL ON TV (steps in) Is that all that's on your mind? Stop poking around in other people's pants! MOMMY ON TV (steps back in) Next stu-nada! The tall one smiles at her, and continues waving his hand like a deaf lunatic. The short fat one, embarrassed lowers his hat over his face. Flashes explode... DOCTOR D. ...TV off! The TV goes off. DOCTOR D. Vanderbilt! Carnegie! Rockefeller! Men died working for them, the skin on their hands ripped off, bone exposed as they worked the metal... but they progressed the quality of life throughout the world. MOOSEWAD Yes, sir. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: DOCTOR D. Use RED to sell, use music to sell, use babies to sell, use anything to sell. That's my point! How much am I worth? MOOSEWAD You're the first trillionaire. DOCTOR D. Campaign contributions quieted those who preached values and ethics, didn't they? I owned them all, and used them like toilet paper. You know what that means? MOOSEWAD They're shit? Stares at Moosewad. DOCTOR D. Do you realize that I'm almost a hundred years old and I've never felt happy one day in my life! MOOSEWAD Me either, sir. DOCTOR D. (smiles) We're so humanly profitless! He takes a hundred dollar bill off a stack, licks it and sticks it on his forehead. It stays there. DOCTOR D. But we'll get over it, won't we? MOOSEWAD I hope so. Dr. D. cracks up, Moosewad joins him, it goes on too long. Dr. D. presses a button marked UNDERGROUND ELITE. A hologram of 6 older, very wealthy, unkind-looking men and women FADE IN and appear to be sitting in Dr. D's large office, from where they are in their homes, somewhere else in the world. THREE OF THEM STAND OUT: (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: ELLIOT, a WASP, 75, black toupee, white sideburns, elegantly dressed sits on a chaise lounge with umbrella overhead and pina- collada in hand. ESMERALDA, an East Indian, 85, almost bald, peaked nose, laying in a large bed with a thousand pillows. And SAM, Italian, 95, bald, big freckles all over his face in a posh Jacuzzi, water bubbling, smoking a big cigar, brandy glass in his hand. There are THREE OTHER BUSINESSMEN in cushy chairs: A Japanese man (45), an African Black man (55), and a Jewish man (65). DOCTOR D. Conference Hologramming, the next generation in communications! I'll make trillions. (to them) How are you all? The group responds. They're completely transparent. MOOSEWAD Doctor, I want to be the President. I'd be a G'damned great President. Dr. D. Stares at him, Moosewad grows uncomfortable. DOCTOR D. But you're not. See the problem? Moosewad thinks about that, eyes looking up; he grows confused. MOOSEWAD What do we do about him? DOCTOR D. We've got to create an inconspicuous deception, for the good of mankind! MOOSEWAD (smiles) World War Three? DOCTOR D. I like how you think Moosey; but not yet. (pause) Call a briefing for the goody-two- shoes. Have an Advisor talk about poverty, medical insurance, the military; be sure his friends are there. Then, bring his friends to me. Don't let him know. (CONTINUED) CONTINUED: MOOSEWAD I understand, sir. It's a matter of National Security. Moosewad exits. Dr. D. smiles at his transparent guests. DOCTOR D. I need to brief you on Hiney. INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT ----------------------------------------------------- TO READ THE REST OF THIS PLAY CONTACT THE PLAYWRIGHT CONTACT INFORMATION IS AT THE TOP OF THIS PAGE. I used to have the full text on the site but too many people used them without paying fair royalties etc. MS Word Fully Formatted version of this play is available for production after payment for scripts and royalties are made. Student Productions can purchase the script.