DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

A MAN, HOMELESS AND DRUNK, IS SEEN WITH A BOTTLE WRAPPED IN A BROWN BAG. HE IS YELLING TO A WOMAN WALKING THROUGH PARK...

Come back here butiful! I can read ya mind baby de; answer is YES! You heard me, mama--I know ya lustin' for me, an' the
answer is -- ahhhh!...

LOOKS THE AUDIENCE OVER.

"Company". Ha ha ha. You see I'm a resident, donchya? An' I don't recanize any of you pilgrims from our resident meetin's.

INDIAN GREETING.

"How"... paleface intruder. If I had known ya were comin' I
wouldn't have given the help the day off! What the hell am I
sayin' I need a drink.

OFFERS A DRINK TO THE AUDIENCE.

Care to dance m' darlin?

DANCES. DRINKS.

Ohhhhh, you kiss so nice.

I didn't always live in a park... I jus' got lucky. I've had
trouble in other parts of the city--like the time I was out
there walking... an' I'm walkin' an' walkin' 'til my brain's wet
an' I had ta rest--find a place for the afternoon to stretch out...
an' catch my breath... An' I end up, God only knows why uptown at
da garden. Thirty fourth an' seventh... an' I'm stretched out see, on
da cement... at da Garden...

There I was: Out a job. Out a friend. Out love. Out. Why? Yuk
yuk yuk yuk yuk... Tryin' ta find some con-sol-i-dation in my
buddy booze give me a snooze, an... (regret to an audience
member) ... I ain't had a bath today an' it looks like I won't be havin'
one for a month an' so what's the sense of combin' my pretty
hair, hmmm? What's the sense of anything? So I drown my
senses in
booze... An' I'm sittin' with garbage all aroun' me, at the
garden.

I'm mindin' my own... an' there's this haze comin' at me. A blue
haze movin' an' I see legs floatin' by me so fast, looks like
water there's so many legs movin' by in a rhythm comin' at me,
gettin' bigger an' bigger an' bigger an' bigger an' it's on top
of me, these two big legs are on top of me, knees are starin', I
start talkin' to 'em like they was friendly, an' all of a sudden
outta nowhere it hits me right in the head, THE COPS! An' how'd I
think it was water?
(LAUGHS).
So I hide the bottle like I didn't do when I was a baby, an'
these nice, clean, armored men in their oh so baby blues an'
thirty eights stand over me like I was drownin' in the Harbor
lookin' up Miss liberty's Skirt, an' justice for all, an' her
torch was burnin my ass but it's the cement that's burnin' my
ass an' I'm blah blah black sheep sittin' in a tub of sewage at
the garden...

...an' this one cop is starin' down at me, one, two minutes ...
seconds... my whole life ... An' he says "come on bud, hey hey,
come on". But I'm a little drunk so's I think he's singing to
me an' I thank him. His eyes wince. He frowns. Says "you gotta
go son, beat it now, come-on let's go". An' politely my thick
thick tongue says, "come on Mr. officer sir, give me a break,
willya? Let me be. I'm takin' good care of the Garden." " An' he
starts twirlin' his baton, doin' the policeman's jig. Starts
makin' business deals sayin', "not today sonny. Come back
tomorrow an' I won't see you, O.K.?" And he smiles real polite-
like. Like this. He smiles at me like this see. A robot smile.
And that's supposed to make me feel good, that he won't see me.
I say "no"... nicely... very very nicely... an' there's this
silence like I'm floatin' in space. Our eyes meet like this see.
Tension. Suspense. We staaaaaare. He's chewin' his lip an' I
think to myself ut oh! Maleness. He's a male an' he's feelin'
threatened. He's a male, he's threatened he's got a gun and
America behind 'im. Oh, I wish I were dead but I'm drunk an'
that's almost as good in a situation like this... So I shut my
eyes an' hold my breath...

HE MIMES BEING PICKED UP BY HIS ARMS.

...Suddenly, out of nowhere, I'm bein' picked up by my arm pits
an' I'm sayin' "what's the difference Mr. officer sir if I'm
here today, tomorrow, yesterday?" An' he says ... he says ...
now listen to this, get this, here comes the punch line ...

THE PUNCH ... LINE ... OF THIS BIG, FAT, FUNNY, GOD ONLY KNOWS WHY JOKE ... Mr. blue says:

"Today's the Democratic convention!"

He says...

SINGS SANTA'S COMING TO TOWN WITH THE
FOLLOWING WORDS

" THE PRES ... E ..DEN..TIAL... CANDIDATES .. COM... IN... TO
... TOWN.

(SPEAKS)

Along with his Pierre Cardin' friends an' sorry sonny there's no
present for you an' we got orders from way on up above to clean
up the streets by thirty fourth an so on avenues and YOU...
DIRTY THEM! YOU!

PUTTING HIS HAND GENTLY ON HIS HEART.

You.

"So move on" he says.

"Move it along an' come back tomorrow when nobody'll care.
Nobody'll take the time ... to kick you out of the garden."

PAUSE.

I'm dirtyin' up the parlor for America's well bred sons who are
comin' to town to democratically party. An' the real inhabitants
of this garden gotta move 'cause we make a mess. We're an eye
sooooorreee.....

We're not somethin' a Presidential candidate should see.... or
know about...

Ain't that the funniest thing you ever heard?

Ain't that really somethin'?

Well that was then; the "Parade" came an' went... the city
cleaned up the slop the conventioneers left... the banners, the
signs, the stupid hat's that say "we love somethin else" "the
acceptable trash", an the Garden... is back to business as
usual.

The cop was followin' orders. But I don't understand the "logic".
I don't understand how ya can give orders like that to someone to
enforce? Whoever does it must be in a box somewhere he can't see
nothin' but his... Go figure.

DRINKS. BEGINS TO LEAVE.

Stay as long as you like... We got four more years 'til the next
Do Da Hip Hip Hooray... HA!.

ALMOST OFF, BACKING OUT.

You know I didn't always live in a park...

FADE OUT.

"SPELLBINDING.... 'in Perfectly Norm-iLL People," his second solo, Monteleone slips with ease from one character to another with an original or hysterical line to draw you in."
SCN

" BRAVURA PERFORMANCE... Monteleone demonstrates a convincing range in evoking 10 different characters" 
Steve Parks
Newsday