HOMER

(HE SPEAKS TO HOMER - HIS HOT-SHOT SALESMAN)

Like the new Office, Homer? thought you would. And the new Sec.? She's hot, huh? Isn't it beautiful, Homer? Fifty floors of offices and each one has a brand new fax in it amongst other things, heh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. See the new condom machines in the lobby... Gotta protect the investments, Homer...

Progress Homer, Progress. Human development. Human development. It never ceases to amaze me... And we are a part of that pretty little picture. Safety. Security. A sense of being all right amongst the madness of it all. We're family. I feel proud, don't you? Heh? Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, Don't let me forget to thank you, and... what's your wife's name again? Meg. Lovely name. Thank Meg, too, for "that incredible dinner"--it was eeeeeliciousss. And the kids got along beautifully didn't they? Didn't they? Homer? I know theydid. Ha ha ha ha haha ha ha.

Love the new Jeep and the Porsche. You're on the way up kid! They match the color of the house perfectly. Really compliments the aesthetic. Well done, Homer. Well done. Who's your designer? Did it yourself.... verrrrrry impressive...

Ya know Homer, coming away from that dinner, it came to me--a flash of insight. I had a thought that summed up my experience about all of this... I was thinking: "I should get an Olympic size swimming pool, just like yours with all the fancy lights"... and all and I turned around to Judy, sitting there in her pretty new mink, and told her how I felt... and you know what she said? "I love you". Looked me right in the eyes and said that to me. And I hadn't increased the life insurance either. Ha ha ha ha ha .... So, I took out another loan--forty grand, so what... with this contract it'll be chicken piss. Hey, you only live once. (SERIOUS NOW) You'd better sit down. We have a chance to get the third world deal!

CATCHES HIMSELF AND MAKES THE SIGN OF THE CROSS THREE TIMES IN A ROW.

We're all saved now...Ha ha ha...

This will be the big one. The presentation of your life. Of all, our lives? You're the man, Homer. I want you to be in charge of this deal... Don't be silly, you've earned it. That Bosnia deal, well, all I can say is... art. It was art. It was... what's the fellows name? Uh... Michelangelo. That's it... You're the new Michelangelo of the modern world--the way you bullshited those sonofabitches into believing in the horse crap we spew out...well, Harvard Business School would be proud, Homer. The Republicans would be cumming in their pants. Well... enough small talk... Let's get down to business, shall we? Want anything? Cinnamon bun? Jelly Donut? Pussy? No pussy, not like you Home? Ha ha ha ha ha ha... Okay.

Well, I think that it's not only a question of getting them to buy the line, it's more of a question of getting them to buy it for a decade or so. We want them to think we're the ideal. Nowhere in the world will they be able to get military parts, weapons, strategic perspectives with our... quality. They're the biggest account I've seen come through these doors in I don't know how many years. WE get that account and slam bam thank you mam we're in the upper two percent of the world in military. This accounts big... We're talking John Holmes! Heh, heh, heh... Bigger than the world... big. Five billion potential over the next year; another ten bill over the next few years and doubling like that on a five year scale indefinitely once their economy is hooked into "the development, use and sale of the equipment"--that's a commitment that we can't refuse. And you get a commission of it... And so do I. Nouveau Riche will look like the ghetto in a few years once we've got them hooked and pull them into the boat. No more loans... cash, for the pool... Cash, for the Mercedes... cash, for the new addition... Because they're desperate and greedy. You can't forget that, Homer. They're where we were two hundred years ago on that great American plain. You can't let that get out of your sight for a minute. Or you'll lose ... you'll lose... everything.

When you and ... what's her name again? Meg. Meg gonna come and visit us upstate? It's beautiful.. looks out on two thousand acres of pines, spruce, oaks, ponds, streams, mountains in the distance, and the nature, the wildlife, Homer, is unfuckingbelieveable. Miraculous... To have that, makes this seem all the more worthwhile. Right? At night when the moon lights up the woods, ya look out and it's like a fuckin' Christmas card! ... Angelic like... So peaceful. And you think about shooting a fuckin' deer right between it's eyes, skinning it and serving Venison to all your friends... Doesn't get much better than that? Except for the ol’ forty second street peep shows... Right? Right? Homer? I knew you'd agree... You're my kind of man. Ha ha ha.

Now I want it to be handled with caution. Finesse. I want someone gentle enough to win her heart. Take their vulnerability and give it protection. Cuddle it into a contract. You know what to do...

When you get in there and you sit at that table.... smile. Then give 'em that serious glare you do so well. How do you do that? Yeah yeah, just like that; it's perfect. Look at those mothers, with a father-like, authority, and smile again. Be sure to give them a sense that you're a nice guy. A sweetheart they'll know they can trust. When you smile, smile like this. See here. Let the caps be seen. Then you're stern, filled to the rim with security. Safety. A sense of growth. Just get right down to the profits. Let them see the scale of increase over the next ten years. It triples, remember to point that out... each country they can threaten will do business with them and that's what they want. A fear based underbelly with their international markets. A sense that if they want to sell or buy goods, and the other country doesn't want to cooperate they can annihilate them. But don't get too obvious about that point. Be subtle... and please... pleaaaaassseee Homer, ease in on the Space Wars thing. You give it to them too fast and it might loose them... It's new, not Reganomics.... This is the real thing
(whispers)  nobody knows about it but us... (normal voice) ...it's an idea that will just knock them off the face of this planet and we want them grounded so that we can juice em for every fucking dollar they have.

Now the underground sound thing--that makes quakes off the Rictor scale... now that baby is a real selling point when
attacking a country where the ground's more rock than sand because they can chip half of it off and send it under the sea. Ya know, send the country for a nice little swim. Ha ha ha. So, I want you to focus on that early too. And please, steer them away from discussing the radiation thing, the contamination factor or the possible death rate, that messy stuff just doesn't go over big when you're trying to sell a contract. Stay with the profits. And don't forget to smile. (Bears his teeth) Teeth. TEEEEEEETH. SEE. Talk modernization. We're all through with clubs and stones, bows and arrows and bayonets... Tell them those days are history Homer. Kaput. They'll understand "kaput", Homer. Three quarters of their country still makes houses out of mud and straw, they're smoking peace pipes, dancing around with chalk on their faces, making their lips three times their regular size and they want out of that. They've got to be brought out of the mud and BOOM into the twentieth century and they're ready, Homer, they're ready... (winks)  They've heard about the shopping malls and they want to go with us.

But if you feel any resistance, any doubt, then hit 'em with the "hint", about the potential of us selling to he other guys--if they don't buy from US. We've gotta keep our potential open.

AHHHH.... LIFE....! LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE LIFE!

So what do you think? What? Should I give the deal to Bill? You're the best salesman I've got! I have faith in you Homer. I
believe in your talents. I don't like when a salesman hesitates? We're talking about a five billion dollar contract here Homer and you're playing it like we're trying to sell shampoo to the Ethiopians. We're talking nuclear arms. We're talking M.X. missiles. We're talking about bombs, gas, chemical and biological warfare products that can take out a city in seconds, vaporize everything in a hundred mile radius. Evaporate stele. Kill everything in... (snaps his fingers) ...milliseconds. These are great products. They should sell themselves. Hey, use that as a slogan, "The Nukes That Sell Themselves", you know... like the commercial...

Let me see your smile did you floss this morning? Beautiful. Don't forget to floss on Monday.

"Lead them out of darkness, Moses".

But remember: I have a four hundred and fifty thousand dollar mortgage and two kids to put through college, among other things... We don't get this deal, and... so help me God. You know what I mean? So help me God, ah ha ha ha...

Make a killing and bring home the bacon, booby.

HE SMILES AS THE LIGHTS FADE OUT.

"SPELLBINDING.... 'in Perfectly Norm-iLL People," his second solo, Monteleone slips with ease from one character to another with an original or hysterical line to draw you in."
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" BRAVURA PERFORMANCE... Monteleone demonstrates a convincing range in evoking 10 different characters" 
Steve Parks
Newsday