THINGS 'N' THINGS

JIM CASH SPEAKING ON A PHONE.

Helloooo, Mr. Smith? Jim Cash over at Things and Things, Inc. Ha
ha ha... How's everything? Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God ...
When did it happen? Critical condition? Coma? Your wife? Oh my God... How's your ... daughter holding up? She what? In the
garage? Oh my God. Did she leave a note? Not even a note? Could
you hold just a moment I have another call I'll be a second? Okay
don't go away I want to help you.

SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE.

Hello, Things 'n' Thi... ELAINE I'M AT WOR...he what? Does the
insurance cover it? Well look it up. How'd he get it stuck there
for Chrissakes? Take him to the emergency room. You're there? I
can' come I'm in the middle of a call. I don't care if he's
embarrassed Elaine... He can't go around with a pencil stuck in
his penis what'll the neighbors think? JUST GET HIM THERE FOR
CHRISSS....I'm not yelling at you. I'm calm. I wasn’t yelling at
... Look he's going through pubet...er...ization... and he's
toyin' around with his dick... tell him we all go through it.
It's normal sort of. I can hear him screaming and I can
sympathize. No you can't Elaine the last time I looked... And
that was a verrrrrry long time ago.... If ya know what I mean...

IT WAS A JOKE. A JOKE... I’m not yelling. I’m calm. Hear how
calm I am? I said I’m ca... I CAN'T TAKE HIM I'M ON THE LINE
HERE. I'M NOT YELL...ing.
(very softly)
I'm not yelling. You can hear how quiet I'm speaking to you. I am
not yelling. I was but I'm not. ELAinnnnne... I can hear my
voice, Elaine... and I'm whispering. I'm not YELLING I SAID
GODAM...
(catches himself)
Okay I love you too.
Okay I love you too.
Okay I love you too.
Bye.
Bye.
BYE ELAINE.

Then call me from the hospital when it’s out... I'll be here...

SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE.

Smith? So how are you holding up? Still working? No?
Compensation? No? What happened there? Oh my God... What are you
living on? Unemployment? Well, we know that's not enough.
Parents? Dead. Brothers, sisters helping you? Only child. Of
course, friends? No? Oh my God... So... How's everything else? I
mean, well, you know, how's... the dog? Oh. I thought you had a
dog. I'm calling because of the furniture you bought? And the
Appliances? and all those other things... well we haven't
received a payment in ... three months now and we were wondering
when you planned on sending us a little something.
Ha ha ha ha ha... what do you mean you can't? Ha ha ha... Um, let's
not ... now don't... Mr. Smith, I didn't mean to upset you...
I'm sorry but it's my job and as they say the Eagle must shit
on Friday. Well, it's Friday. Three months of Fridays Mr. Smith.
Ha ha. The Eagle feels just a little bit constipated.

Let's just take a look at this and let me see if I can help you
out... Let's say, for example, let's just say that you took a wee
bit of that unemployment check and sent us just a wittle bit of
it. What do you mean you can't there's that ugly little word again
can't. Let's remember not to use that word ... CAN'T ... O.K.? If
you wanted to you COULD. Do you agree that THEORETICALLY that you
could? Well then, let me hear you say... "I could". For arguments
sake, let's just pretend that you COULD. Pretend Mr. Smith, no
one's asking you to actually promise anything yet. Just once. Let
me hear you say it just one wittle twime. Remember how easy it was
when we were little, Mr. Smith? You do? Oh good. That a simpler,
more promising, happy part of our lives, remember? That's it...
now let's pretend that you could send us a little something...
O.K.? O.K. Good. Let me hear you say "I COULD SEND YOU A WITTLE
BWIT OF MY UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK". Come on... Come on.... Come on now... just once. Say it just one gweat bwig twime for me Mr...

YES YES YES YES YESSSS!!!. SEE THAT. YOU SAID IT. YOU SAID YOU COULD SEND ME A LITTLE CHUNK, OF YOUR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECK. Wasn't that easy? I know it was. O.K. then, do you have the address where you can send the check?

But you just said you could. I am here aren't I? Come on Mr. Smith we're not going backwards are we? We're into it's impossible? You don't have enough money to pay the mortgage and eat. SO SELL THE
GODAMN HOUSE FOR CHRIS... Um... Mr. Smith, can I be blunt? You can take it, don't say you're too fragile you're a man you can take it. May I be semi-blunt. Okay scratch blunt. Would it be all right if I were... pointed? Just once. O.K., O.K., all right... how about ... candid? Honest? Legal?

I got another call Smith hold on.

SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE.

Hello Thing's 'N' ... they got it out? Good. How's he feeling? What? How'd he do that? A gerbil up his ass? This one of your sick jokes. It is so, you're tryin' to get back at me for last Christmas. I was working Ela... I was WORKING... Okay.. I’m not yelling... He reallllly has a gerbal ... SO GET THE DAMN THING OUT! Does the insurance cover it? Yeah, sure I'll have a talk with him tonight before I have him COMMITTED! What the hell’s going on with my family, Elaine... Suzy’s got more rings in her than my fuckin’ phone... and her hair’s blue...

No Elaine, it's from your side of the family not mine, not mine, yours Elaine... I have a job, I wear a suit, I'm a grown up Elaine, a grown up--you know what that is--people who don't put Gerbils ... Don’t give me that.... Don’t give me that... No no no no no--Your fathers a nutcase your mother's a lunatic. They are so are so are SO THEY ARE FUCKING SO--Your father stands around all day reading expiration dates off the cans in the cubbord he that he bought with coupons ten years ago, your mother thinks she's Lauren Bacall and she looks like Jackie Gleason in drag and you call that normal. IT WAS A JOKE. A JOKE. See, you're a lunatic
too, you cry at Jokes... So what the Psychiatrist says he's sexually frustrated! I'm Sexually frustrated we haven't had sex in five years--WE’RE MARRIED ELANE... MARRIED PEOPLE DON’T HAVE SEX AFTER THE FIRST... That’s not the point--I don't put porcupines up my ass and pomegranates in my ears I watch the Playboy channel and masturbate like everybody else tell the shrink to fuck himself he's lookin' for a new patient like it's hard to find... Give him your parents number, handcuff the kid to his bedpost, give him a box of Kleenex and a garbage pail and leave his right hand free. Then his left if he's left handed.

NO... He can’t watch the playboy channel he’s only seventeen.
Where the hell is your sense of ethics, Elaine... I’m gonna shit
in my pants right here--my wife wants my kid to watch playboy and
masturbate? NO... it’s for grown ups. I’m not yelling.. I wasn’t
yelling... I wasn’t yell...

PAUSE

Okay I love you too.
Okay I love you too.
Okay I love you too.
Bye.
Bye.
BYE ELAINE.

I gotta go I'm on a call Let me know... I gotta go I’m on a call
let me know... I gotta go I’m on a call let me know... Okay..
bye bye... And Elaine, when you get home--get rid of the
Hamster...

SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE.

Mr. Smith... I don't think we're communicating very well Mr.
Smith. Let's take a glimpse at the whole picture, okay? I know
that but you're not the only one in the whole picture. There are a
lot of other people involved in your decision not to pay the small
bill. Who? Me. My kids. My employees. Their families. The Bank.
Your creditors. TRW Trans Union. The government, the Congress, the
President of the United States of America. Everyone's involved
here not just you... Listen Smith, I come to work, as do all those
who work for me who manufacture all the things you bought on
credit. WE come to work hour after hour, day after day, week after
week, month after month, quarter after quarter, year after year...
our whole lives Mr. Smith. And do you know why we come to work day
after day .... To make MON ... EY. MON...EY Mr. Smith. WE come
here and work eight, ten, twelve hours every single day making
products most of us could care less about. We spend most of our
adult lives involved in activities, conversations, meetings, that
turn our stomachs. the stress, the pressure, we endure Mr. Smith
so that people like you can enjoy those products. We do it because
we have to. to pay our bills.... We do it for the Money Mr. Smith.
Money money money money money. And do you know what happens when people don't pay their bills? Bingo, yes you win, we don't make
money. Our families don't get paid. The world, because of you, is
in dept. Now we all have times in our lives when things don't
work out as we planned. Coma isn't new. Nor is dept. Nor are teen
suicides, nor are nervous breakdowns, but what are we supposed to
do--give up on life because a few mishaps occurred. No Mr. Smith.
We go on. It's a tradition... We pay our bills.

So, can we make some kind of practical, quick arrangement?

O.K., so you can't possibly make a partial payment can you pay the
whole thing? I don't understand. Pay the damn thing off and get
the monkey off your back. Can you pay half this week and half next week? How about one quarter this week and one quarter for the next three weeks. One eighth now, one quarter in two weeks and the balance three weeks after that? One tenth Mr. Smith, one tenth next week one tenth
the week after that and I'll call you when it's time to resume
payments? NO?!

A HA HA HA HA HA HA...

It's a joke right you got a sense a humor?

I have to put you on hold for just a second, don't hang up or I'll just keep calling you back or show up at your house with the FBI and the IRS, all right? Just a joke Smith sit tight no pun intended.

SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE.

Hello, Things 'n' Th.... They got it out? Good. Tell him something for me will you. Lean over him and in his ear, say...

YOU'RE A FUCKING PERVERT!

See you're doing it again. It was a joke a joke, you gotta have a sense of humor about these things Elaine life sucks... Okay, okay forget about it what's for dinner? I don't want that we had that last night. I don't want left overs. I DON’T WANT LEFT... I’m not yelling... look make anything I gotta go...

SWITCHES LINES ON HIS PHONE.

Mr. Smith I'm back. I was thinking that perhaps I'm going just a little too fast for you, hmm? Let me slow it down. Follow me for second here? Tell me if I understand the situation, O.K.?

Your wife's in a coma,
kid's outta the picture.
You're out of work on unemployment.
No family, no friends,
mortgages due
hospital bills beyond belief,
and you bought over your head on credit
You're distraught,
can't sleep,
in a deep depression,
perhaps having psychotic visions,
can't pay for psychotherapy,
and you're frightened,
disoriented,
perhaps even suicidal.

Okay.
Okay.

SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

Not uncommon Mr. Smith. Not uncommon. You think I have it easy? Huh? No one has it easy. We're all in the same condition... And everything else aside, are you aware of what happens if we don't get a payment. I send this to our ... and believe me I don't want to do this... I send this account to our ... as a last resort Mr. Smith as a final, there's no other way out we gotta screw ya--last resort... we send it to our L.E.G.A.L. department, I dread it, I dread what they'll do to you, I don't want to do it please don't make me do it Mr. Smith. If that happens and you think you have problems now wait until that machines grinding wheels start ripping up your groin!

It's a horny dragon and you're a young virgin--is that a decent analogy?

Mr. Smith. It was a joke Smith stop that CRYING... I know, I know and believe me I sympathize with you Mr. Smith. That's why I'm trying to find a simple solution for you that won't keep perpetuating the aggression. If there were anything I could do personally, well, believe me... ha ha ha ... Well there just are no safety nets. It's not in the system. So, instead, we have to find the strength Mr. Smith, somewhere deep in our guts to go on--life goes on with or without you, the national anthem goes on... The
Anthem Smith... Sing it with me come on now it'll cheer you up... (sings)
OHHHHH, SAY CAN YOU SEE... (speaks) You're not singing Smith... Okay skip the anthem, when can I expect the check? What word did I just hear? What word did I just hear? In theory, pretend you can send it. Visualize it. Are your eyes closed? All right then close them. See yourself at the desk. Okay then the table. There's a nice hot cup of coffee, the smell of hope is in the air, and you can hear your old family in
their happiest moment in the background... that's it, let out the laughter it's nerves. Relax. Deeper. Are you feeling more relaxed? Oh good. Deeper Mr. Smith, Deeper and deeper and deeper down, down, down, deeper and deeper. Keep saying to yourself deeeeeeperrrrrrr... I've got a call I'll be right back...

SWITCHES PHONE LINES.

Hello Things 'n' Things. No we're not paying him tell him to go fuck himself. Then use whatever word you want to use... NO... he sent us garbage, we sent it back tell him tell him to go and Die... No, Sue, this is what you do: You ask him if he's got a pencil...And a gerbil... hole on I GOT A CALL...

SWITCHES PHONE LINES.

Are you Deeper Mr. Smith? Oh good. By your hand on the table is a check book. Your favorite check book. And a pen, your favorite pen. See all the pretty checks. Gooooood. Now pretend that there is a lot of money in your pretty checkbook account with all the pretty checks. And you pick up your check book... And you pick up your pen... And you're SNORING?! SMITH HOW CAN A GUY WITH YOUR PROBLEMS FALL ASLEEP? SMITH! DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CONSCIENCE?

PAUSE. HE LOOKS OUT.

A gerbal up his ass?

BLACK OUT.

"SPELLBINDING.... 'in Perfectly Norm-iLL People," his second solo, Monteleone slips with ease from one character to another with an original or hysterical line to draw you in."
SCN

" BRAVURA PERFORMANCE... Monteleone demonstrates a convincing range in evoking 10 different characters" 
Steve Parks
Newsday